What would you do?

[CB91710]

On the other hand.... I didn't tell my wife when I bought the R4 or the R8.

Although she DID get a brand new $45k Venza for her birthday in 2021....

 

[CB91710]

I appreciate all the comments. I helps calm me down. As stated I/we can cover the bill. It really PISSED me off when I saw that the charge actually hit the account.

The tax hit if she pulls it from her IRA will be about $2,430. If she does a loan against her 401k, it won't be as bad, but there is the reduced monthly biweekly paycheck. I hate redoing the budget when this kind of shit happens. And I don't like loans against a 401K...I am looking to retire in 2 years. Granted she has 4 years till she reaches FRA, but I don't want this to become a recurring thing.

Ya... borrowing or withdrawing from the IRA is a non-starter here. If you have the means to pay it off without dipping into the retirement fund, that's a good thing.
But it sounds like she has forgotten (or never learned) the lesson of what put you in a tough situation 10 years ago.
9 months of unemployment screwed us over... wiped out all of our savings, it was only the 2008 supplements to unemployment that allowed us to keep the condo.
We avoided BK, but when we came out of it the credit rating was probably down to 2 digits.
Spent the last 14 years getting it back up into the 800s, and managed to do it with only two of the old credit accounts being charged off.

 

[LtDave32]

That is dishonest.

To send you a text, not disclosing how much $, does not inform you and it doesn't make it "okay".

"well, we discussed this"

No, you didn't.

Absolutely dishonest. And a partnership without honesty cannot last.

 

[shark]

its her retirement IRA she can spend it how she wants.

her money is not your money and never will be.

 

[Zungle]

Not trying to be a dick or add fuel to fire here......

But that situation could have bigger issues.....

 

[Leee]

"Get a second (or third) job, deliver pizzas, whatever, show your wife that you love her."

Hmmmm…….
Maybe I was too quick on the draw.
Too harsh in my reaction.

Maybe the reason she spent $8,586 on an upgraded ring is because she loves @Fret Hopper that much.

Ya’ think?



I’m joking.
(I know - it ain’t funny.)

 

[electric head]

Very simply the ring would go back..

 

[LocoTex]

This kind of behavior really sounds like bipolar disorder. It runs in my family, I know what it looks like, and this is it. If it isn’t addressed you are looking at another bankruptcy down the road. Not trying to be a dick, it’s just that this hit me as a very familiar story. I hope you can get a handle on this before your retirement plans are ruined.

 

[danohat]

I got some new wheels. I told my wife I would give her double what I spent for some after baby procedures on herself to make her happy. I didn't spend much and got exactly what I wanted. She was trying to get me to buy new. Ha!

 

[JTM45]

Eh …
I ain’t on the same page.
I see it as a betrayal.

If you could afford it, she could’ve paid cash. If she’s willing to rob the money out of her retirement, that tells me she’s being completely irrational about it.

Broken trust.
That’s a problem.

Go to Vegas without your wife, and spend $8,586 on hookers and blow.
Tell her you can pull some money out of the retirement to cover it.

Yeah, right …

JTM45,
She has not "wanted" for anything since we have been married. As long as I had at least a couple months to plan I could pull it off. In Feb 2022 she came to me crying she wanted to move to WA because our daughter lived there.
Three months later house sold (gave up a 2.875% Mortgage) and moved to WA in July 2022. Into a 5.375% mortgage.

Gimmie a heads up and most times I can figure the shit out. But drop a bomb on me and it requires drawing from Retirement accounts?!?

I get a bit unsettled.

I get it guys, the title of the thread is what would you do, I wrote what I’d do and it wouldn’t bother me too much.

It’s not treason or betrayal to me

 

[Knoby]

You guys have been married for long time so you've got something going right. As for her spending? Maybe she's trying to compete with friends or things she sees on social media. Maybe she is bored and spending is an outlet. Either way, if she doesn't already have a job i would tell her to go find one and use that to fund her personal spending. A job should keep her mind off unnecessary distractions and therefore off spending. At least for a while

 

[Leee]

A job should keep her mind off unnecessary distractions

Or a second job.
Or a third job.

 

[six-string]

Any lawyer or therapist/counselor is going to confirm that disagreements and trouble over financial matters is the second most common reason for divorce and/or marital breakdown. Obviously infidelity is number 1.
Every couple manages their financial affairs in whatever way works for them.
Some firmly believe in keeping things separate. What's mine is mine, what's yours is yours.
Some believe everything is joint property. It is all "ours" as equal partners.
There is no right or wrong so long as you both agree.

Where things go off the rails, is when one partner is being deceptive about financial affairs, or impulsively spending without consulting, informing or considering the other partner.
Okay a new pair of shoes or tickets to the ballgame should not break the bank or cause a fight.
But buying lavish personal treats would understandably cause friction.

 

[Leee]

Okay a new pair of shoes or tickets to the ballgame should not break the bank or cause a fight.

Yeah, unless you are really in tight financial straits, and you can’t afford to go to a ball game.

It doesn’t have to be thousands of dollars to create a problem.

Every marriage is different.
Individual ideas get co-mingled.
Values require some adaptation.

I had to twist my wife’s arm to get her to spend $1,200 to put new headlights in her minivan.
We’re 40 years into allowing these plastic fucking headlights in the United States, and it infuriates me.

My vision is far better than my wife’s, and she doesn’t see that well at night.
Yet she is driving in the pre-dawn hours across rural countryside quite regularly.

Her 10-year-old minivan had cataracts.
For two years, I’ve been prodding her to spend the money to replace them.
Finally got it done this week.

And this is a need we both agreed on…

 

[CB91710]

its her retirement IRA she can spend it how she wants.

her money is not your money and never will be.

Ya, funny how that works.
Her money is her money, but my money is our money.

 

[Pop1655]

I don't mean this as a Whoa is me or a derail, just had a lot of thoughts lately. I've lost my beautiful landscape I've stared at, lived on and raised my grandson on with the flood. I've watched the search boats and listened to all day buzz of the blackhawks and watched the cadaver dogs pull 107 bodies out of the landscape. Drove by the two sprawling memorials yesterday. Know many of the first responders that got a life altering firsthand view. Cut out walls and pulled floors at work. All this to say, I've spent waaay too many minutes lately thinking to myself how my cars and toys and new appliances just really don't mean chit. Makes you take stock and really value what's important. I am more guilty than most. I can't and won't point fingers. I'll just say it one more time, all this stuff don't count for chit.

 

[rogue3]

Everything is relative. Speculate for a moment. Given the circumstances, i would say she just delivered an important message. There is more going on here...i think, with her...a wedding ring reference, is more than just a piece of jewelry.

Time to understand, i would say a heart to heart, why your wife feels this way. You are partners, it's a 50/50 deal, in my book. It maybe innocent...or a deeper issue. ymmv.

After you've understood each other better, why she did...then you both move forward, constructively.

The money is a drop in the bucket, compared to divorce lawyers. Not the issue here...but it is important not to magnify this out of proportion, relative to the importance of your marriage, and the love you both share. Work it out together, in such a way that doesn't guilt on her.
She may already be feeling overly controlled, and this is her rebellion. Ask her.

otoh, if this is just a spontaneous purchase, with no other consideration, take her to dinner, and enjoy the new-found sparkle on her finger, and in her smile. Eat the cost, she is worth it. No, don't return it.

 

[Zr.King]

I was talking to a buddy at the place I train martial arts at last night - about relationships and compatibility and financial practices - and he shared this nugget from his old man:

Women — they all went to the same school, just at different times.

Same could be said of men of course.

 

[Pop1655]

Strictly on the subject of wedding rings, I just don't get it. Sallie and I put together old class rings and scrap gold we had melted and I scored my grandmother's beautiful, but relatively small by today's standards diamond. It's a beautiful, meaningful piece, but it's no trophy. I watched one son in-law go into way too much debt. Grandson's fiance has her eye on a piece he can't afford. Our wedding was punch and cake in the fellowship hall, not one of those 6 figure gigs my daughter works on. Starting off needing a place to live and all that goes with it, I just don't get it. I would have killed to have that chunk of money starting out. Fact is, we didn't come from money and we didn't have any. Trying to prove otherwise is a futile attempt at something I just don't understand. When it's all said and done, rich folks are still gonna be rich folks and the rest of us are still just gonna be the rest of us. Same now as it was then.

 

[redcoats1976]

Given what you describe, I would call it financial "difficulties" in the not so distant past, I would say caution and restraint were reasonable expectations.
I'm no marriage councillor or anything but if two people in a long term relationship are hoping to head in the same direction and enjoy a positive long term outcome, they should be working together.
That would include discussing and planning any extraordinary expenditures or financial commitments.
Especially considering the history you mention.

Yeah I'd be pissed. What you describe sounds like selfishness to me.
When I met my wife she was clueless about financial stuff. She had no idea the amount of money she was spending or the interest she was paying or the debt she owed.
When we got serious I took all her credit cards and threw them in the fireplace, except one. Within a year or less, she had paid all her debts and learned about budgeting, saving, investing, planning etc.
It's not rocket science, but it is not something they teach in school.

If my wife wanted anything...and I do mean anything, and she told me and we discussed it, I would figure out a way to make it happen, if it were reasonable and possible. And I have done it many times. I can't teleport us to Venus or fly her in a private jet to some private celebrity party in Ibiza.
But if she went behind my back and bought a new sports car expecting me to pay for it, I would consider that a violation of our mutual trust.

i guess that would depend on make,model and color of said sports car...my wife doesn't drive.