To continue the relationship, or not........

[freebyrd 69]

That's an excuse and a bad one at that Jake. She's a kid, it's not hard.

This is true...it's Easter. Easter=candy and bunnies. All kids like candy and bunnies.

 

[Kamen_Kaiju]

I love that MLP is like evil Dr. Phil

....and you usually get a great spectrum from, "Ride in on your white horse and save her!" to "Dump That Evil Cooz!"

..just to further confuse the poor guy who asks the initial questions.

 

[Jakeislove]

That's an excuse and a bad one at that Jake. She's a kid, it's not hard.

My kids are bigger, now. It's easier to give cash but less fun. The baby is 14 with such a specific interest (Paleoetymology) it's difficult buying crap she'll read, LOL!

I definitely think a basket would have been a considerate (yet generic) gesture to show that she was at least thinking of them. I do believe it would be appropriate to discuss freebyd's feelings on this because keeping things bottled up can lead to resentment.

By "thoughtful" I mean the type of gift it takes knowing someone to pick out.

I wouldn't date me. Wrong parts, LOL!

 

[Joeydego]

IMO, neither of you should be dating... as neither of the kids need anymore heartbreak than they"ve already had. I think leaving your kid out of this is for the best. Maybe she does too.

I'm sorry, but this is complete bull****.

The notion that people need to live every single waking moment because they've reproduced leads to miserable adults and enabled little brats.

Kids need to learn how the world is. Not the other way around.

 

[Joeydego]

Do you think OP has unrealistic expectations?

This woman and her family would have to move closer for things to work out under freebyrd's conditions.

I dont think its unrealistic, maybe just a little too fast. She can make some effort in getting to him sometimes, too.

 

[Dilemma]

My kids are bigger, now. It's easier to give cash but less fun.

His girl is 8 years old. Pretty easy shopping for an 8 year old girl. And it's ALL about the gesture at 8 years old. And let be honest here. The gesture mean as much if not more to the parent.

 

[michaelinokc]

I love that MLP is like evil Dr. Phil

And the advice here is just as valuable.

 

[Ed B]

My personal opinion... for whatever it's worth (which may not be much)... You said your GF is compassionate and kind to "her family", but she should see Brooke as part of her family, too. It's possible she's nervous or even uncomfortable with the whole situation, which is kinda natural. You've been with this girl for a year, and you get your daughter every other weekend. It's possible that she sees your time with your daughter as time she can spend alone with her own daughter... or just alone with herself. Maybe she just doesn't know how to insert herself into your relationship with your daughter...? You've brought it up casually, but maybe that's not enough. She's not a mind reader, and she may have no clue that it's bothering you this much. Communication is paramount to a successful relationship (IMHO). Maybe it's time you sit her down and actually lay it all out for her. How you feel, that you're becoming frustrated and starting to form a resentment... Once you know that SHE knows how important it is to you, then you can judge how important you (and your daughter) really are to her. One thing I wouldn't do is let it fester. That will only breed more resentment, and resentment will kill even the best of relationships.

You also have to consider the fact that she may be doing the best she can. Ask yourself... are you upset because she's not doing what she can... or because she's not living up to YOUR expectations? Perhaps the issue is your own acceptance of what she is capable of giving. Just a thought.

Wishing you the best of luck. A great relationship is something many people never find, so I hope it works out in your favor.

This post is spot on.

I think you need to get her to open up. No matter how difficult it may be for her. Until you get her to open up about it you won't know if it's a deal breaker or not. Breaking it off without a solid explanation from her would be foolish.

I'd say that missing an gift for Easter cannot be an accident. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who has a kid and having this slip my mind. Then again this coming weekend is "your" weekend, right? Maybe you shouldn't write that one off too quickly.

 

[Jakeislove]

His girl is 8 years old. Pretty easy shopping for an 8 year old girl. And it's ALL about the gesture at 8 years old. And let be honest here. The gesture mean as much if not more to the parent.

Her girl is 8.

I think failing to get a basket was insensitive towards OP. Oversight, misunderstanding, or whatever it should be discussed. You don't want the same thing to happen at Christmas.

 

[strat1701]

I didn't read over all replies, skimmed but FWIW here's my take

Perhaps she is a bit afraid of intermingling because of your daughters disabilities. You can say that she has her own hands full with her daughter (which is probably true to an extent) and nothing will ever trump her needs for her daughter, much like you would do anything for your own daughter. Understandable. I understand you being miffed with the Easter thing, as you at least did SOMETHING for her daughter and you got nothing in return. I know you wouldn't expect much, but as the old addage goes, it's the thought that counts, and I think in this situation, even a small little thing would go a long way.

That said,, she's the outsider to your kid as you are the outsider to hers. Interaction with other people's kids should never be forced, it should come from them as something they want to do. You do seem to be giving that interaction level freely and I think we all could agree that she sees it. Still, if I had a child and the girl I was with was not overly expressing much interest, it may make me a bit mad, BUT....not everyone is cut out for kids and to interact with them. Granted she has her own, but do you really know if she is a true parent at heart thru and thru? Not saying that she is a bad parent, but there are some parents who have kids who really view them as a hassle and chore 90% of the time with the 10% factor they are 'their own' making that percentage.

I knew I didn't want kids of my own very early on, in my 20's. I value my free time, I like having money that I don't need to spend on activities which gets $$$$ with kids.

It also can depend on the child too. With small children they may crave interaction with other adults more, than with a 10+yr old. I've been involved with my current gf for over 10 yrs. I've known her daughter since she was 4 and is 14 now. More than half her life. Her father has cumulatively spend maybe 1-2yrs total with her in all that time. (it's a long, convoluted story perfect for over drinks). She has reached that point that she knows me and my overall outlook on kids. I do interact with her, but it's more of an older brother thing than a 'parent'. That's fine for me, but I would be lying if I said that sometimes I think she may have wanted more, and sometimes I look back and think I could have given more, but I always went back to the fact that I didn't want kids of my own, which more than likely prevented me from doing anything more.

I guess that drive is not that strong in me. She's a great kid, intelligent, talented, but is also a teen now and honestly the last 2 years have been VERY difficult, for her mother too, but especially for me. Sometimes I simply do not want to deal with her and her teen BS. She is starting to have that typical teen bad attitude problem, but my issue and I've made this clear to her and her mother, is the lack of respect she sometimes shows me. When she is like that, I do NOT want to interact with her.

Now none of that sounds as if it is going on in your situation, you would just like her to show the same effort into your kid, which is understandable. Maybe in some twisted way she thinks that you might get mad if she was 'parenting' your kid. I've heard of others who each have their own kids getting like that. 'Don't tell me how to parent MY kid, you have your own to do that with' or something similar. Again probably not the case, but perhaps that is what is in her head? I dunno, but if you have made it clear that you would like to see some more interaction, and your actions prove that you are doing that for her, it's unfair to say the least.

I would not make it an ultimatum, that's a sure fire way to backfire. Perhaps instead, you take a slightly less interest, and start to do less. See if she notices that, if she says anything to the extent of 'you used to do so much more' then you can say well, considering the amount of reciprocity coming from your side, NOW do you see how it feels? Maybe then she will get it.

I hope the situation improves

 

[Jakeislove]

I love that MLP is like evil Dr. Phil

....and you usually get a great spectrum from, "Ride in on your white horse and save her!" to "Dump That Evil Cooz!"

..just to further confuse the poor guy who asks the initial questions.

Everyone isn't going to say what you want to hear. That's a good thing.

 

[ErictheRed]

Maybe you've said to her "If you have any questions about Brooke, please ask them" kind of thing. But maybe she doesn't even know where to start, maybe she's scared, etc. I think that you need to sit down with your girlfriend and just start TELLING her things. Tell her how much you care about her, about her daughter, about how happy you are, all that. Then start talking about how much your daughter means to you, give some specific examples of fun times you've had, all of that, and tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she would make an effort to get to know her.

She's probably really scared and intimidated and doesn't even really know where to start getting to know someone with SYNGAP one. So help her along the way, and if there's still no effort, well...

 

[Dilemma]

Her girl is 8.

I think failing to get a basket was insensitive towards OP. Oversight, misunderstanding, or whatever it should be discussed. You don't want the same thing to happen at Christmas.

My mistake. freebyrd's daughter is 5.

 

[freebyrd 69]

I dont think its unrealistic, maybe just a little too fast. She can make some effort in getting to him sometimes, too.

Maybe you've said to her "If you have any questions about Brooke, please ask them" kind of thing. But maybe she doesn't even know where to start, maybe she's scared, etc. I think that you need to sit down with your girlfriend and just start TELLING her things. Tell her how much you care about her, about her daughter, about how happy you are, all that. Then start talking about how much your daughter means to you, give some specific examples of fun times you've had, all of that, and tell her that it would mean a lot to you if she would make an effort to get to know her.

She's probably really scared and intimidated and doesn't even really know where to start getting to know someone with SYNGAP one. So help her along the way, and if there's still no effort, well...

Done on all counts......more than once actually. I have told her several times to feel free and ask questions. I gave her a book that is about a 90 min. read that I thought might help. Believe me, she knows how much I love her and value our relationship.

 

[Dilemma]

Maybe you've said to her "If you have any questions about Brooke, please ask them" kind of thing. But maybe she doesn't even know where to start,

No offense Eric but why do people have to intellectualize everything? Don't know where to start? How about 'Tell me about Brooke!' or 'Help me understand.' No wonder people struggle with communication, they don't even know how to manage the easy things.

<bangs head>

 

[KP11520]

Hey FB,

I think a decent circle of perspectives have been introduced. IMO, to keep this wrath of the same different perspectives in different words spinning, is going to eat at you and push you into playing your hand way before its time. NOT Good!

Let it rest and give yourself the luxury of time to play out your best hand. If you leave anything (possibilities) on the table and pull the plug prematurely, you will never get to the what it could eventually be. This is going to be multi faceted and will take time. And if it can turn out right, pressure on yourself will jam everything. Flush any resentment and start the education, positive encounters and excursions, incremental discussions about fears and misconceptions, and so on. I bet you can get traction by getting this situation incrementally pregnant, rather than instantly popping out the baby you want. Healthy Emotional IQ doesn't look for a flaming result, which is never the best answer either. Patience with a journey and milestones is how we get to the best outcome. Your path needs to be very calculated and deliberate to play out right. If you do this and it can't be fixed, then you did everything to give it a chance. ANYTHING short of that and you sabotaged the outcome. If she goes ballistic without you causing a flame, it wasn't meant to be. But right now, there's too much good stuff to not take the best path into your destiny. Hopefully together.

Take it from someone who blew it half a lifetime ago and still can't forgive himself. If I only had my more experienced perspective then!

 

[Tazz3]

Its very sad that this women does this to you child, maybe she dont know to talk to her or inter act with her, shes just a reg type kid with a disatbly, speak to her about and if she gives u that that look its time to move on,sad to say this but some people are not
Ready to take this on,

 

[freebyrd 69]

Hey FB,

I think a decent circle of perspectives have been introduced. IMO, to keep this wrath of the same different perspectives in different words spinning, is going to eat at you and push you into playing your hand way before its time. NOT Good!

Let it rest and give yourself the luxury of time to play out your best hand. If you leave anything (possibilities) on the table and pull the plug prematurely, you will never get to the what it could eventually be. This is going to be multi faceted and will take time. And if it can turn out right, pressure on yourself will jam everything. Flush any resentment and start the education, positive encounters and excursions, incremental discussions about fears and misconceptions, and so on. I bet you can get traction by getting this situation incrementally pregnant, rather than instantly popping out the baby you want. Healthy Emotional IQ doesn't look for a flaming result, which is never the best answer either. Patience with a journey and milestones is how we get to the best outcome. Your path needs to be very calculated and deliberate to play out right. If you do this and it can't be fixed, then you did everything to give it a chance. ANYTHING short of that and you sabotaged the outcome. If she goes ballistic without you causing a flame, it wasn't meant to be. But right now, there's too much good stuff to not take the best path into your destiny. Hopefully together.

Take it from someone who blew it half a lifetime ago and still can't forgive himself. If I only had my more experienced perspective then!

Perfect post, and I have decided this is EXACTLY the path I want to follow. She is way too good of a person not to try and be patient. Also, I have grown close to her daughter, so I would be losing two very good things. If that decision eventually has to be made for my daughters sake, it shall be done, but not yet. I have a feeling it can be worked out. I believe there is a mutual love and respect there that will prevail.

I appreciate and value all of your opinions. Thank you for taking the time to read and post. We will see how it goes through the summer time when it will be an inevitability that we will be spending more time together as a "family".

Again, thank you to all.

 

[DADGAD]

*Disclaimer* I am not at the least qualified to dispense anything resembling useful advise nor would I claim to.

Freebyrd, She sounds like a good woman and is good for you on a lot of levels. Perhaps she is not equipped emotionally to be able to adapt to your familial situation. Not sayin it's right, but if she brings you some
happiness, that is good for your spirit which is in turn good for your daughter if dad is happy. The commuting and distance is pretty significant. There are
many unconventional family units out there. Perhaps there is a way to make it work? I feel for you.

 

[stmfitr636]

So, if you have kids and get a divorce, you shouldn't date?

Yes. That is my opinion. This thread only substantiates that opinion.

Considering that there is a +70% divorce rate* amongst 2nd time marriages with kids, dating should be done when the kids are not with you and left out of the fray altogether.




*doesn't assure that the remaining 30% is actually happy.