The hardest decision I'll ever make, I'm in need of unbiased advice (family related)

[campbellj]

I could probably write a book or have a lifetime movie about the last 12 years of my life, but I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible. I will start off by saying, I am having a terribly hard time making a family decision, I have no family on my side to talk to, most have passed away, or I just don't know them that well. My friends at work are biased to one side, which I'll explain, my wife's family is biased towards the other. It leaves me confused as hell on which way to go. Alot of people here seem really honest and good people and alot of you are parents, so that's why I'm asking here. I'm not asking for a decision, because I have to make that on my own in the end, I'm asking more of a What would you do in this situation, or just straight up advice. It will still be a lengthy read, so if your up to it, Thanks in advance!

I will start off by saying, I have an 8 year old son, he lives here in Houston where I am at now. I was originally divorced from his mother when he was 3. I'm not gonna get into the legals about it, but she is Extremely wealthy, doesn't work, has him in her sight 24/7, he has no friends, he is home schooled because no private school in Houston (even the one in River Oaks that the fellow Houstonians will know about) is good enough for him. Only she is good enough to teach him. He's never been to a friends house by himself without her, he still sleeps with her, he has never had a baby sitter, not even her family is good enough to watch him alone. Her dad is a weathly Politican in Houston that provides her with more money every month than I make in 5 months, so needless to say, she has no reason to work, and my son is her prize. so on and so on, we never got along that well after my son was born for some reason, she made me feel like a sperm donor so she could get a child and that was it. While we was married, she would not let me take him anywhere without her present, I honestly think she has some type of "mental" issue, but we'll leave that to the side. I will say he has everything he could ever need or want, so I am not worried about him not being taken care of. In our divorce, her dad paid enough to have the court date happen while I was out of town, unknowing about it, (I was never served papers) and she got full custody, my house and ALL of my belongings. I know to you legal experts that this is illegal, she shouldn't be able to do this, but it happened, divorce decree was signed in may of 2006 all while I was off to school for my Company in Florida. Countless calls to lawyers, couldn't get representation against her family, and several lawyers told me to tuck my tail between my legs, suck it up and deal with it. I was 26 at the time, so I did. I stayed in Florida.

Fast forward a few years, I got remarried again in Florida, I know I know, "why did you get remarried" question is gonna come up, but my wife now is great and we have a wonderful 19month old daughter together. Those 2 are the loves of my life.

I would fly in between FL and TX periodically to see my son when finances would allow. The catch to seeing my son during those times were, she would pick me up from the airport so I had no car, and I had to stay at her house and sleep in front bedroom, I have friends in Houston, but couldn't go see them after my son went to sleep unless I didn't want to come back to her house, her being that controlling like that was one of the main reasons for our divorce. I'm a smoker, I go outside, but her alarm was always set when she went to sleep to ensure I didn't go outside to smoke. She brought himm to Disney World in Florida 3 times, each time my wife and i traveled up there, stayed on disney grounds, and would hang out with her and my son everyday at parks. We couldn't ride any rides unless it was tame enough for my ex's motion sickness and we had to all 4 be able to ride together. My ex want's to be best friends with my wife now, but since it's so akward, my wife don't really like her, but is still very nice when she is around. I would actually agree to all of this just to see my son for a few days at a time. This went on from 2006 until March of this year.

My wife now is the best, she knows I love my son, so she puts up with all of this crap that I go through and put her through to see him. I lost my Job in FL in Sept of last year. My wife thought it would be a perfect chance to come be closer to my Son. So in March of this year we moved to Houston. A few months planning the move, my Ex said she would definitely agree to let me spend more time with my son when we got here, so my wife was excited for me, and I was very excited. My son still can't ride a bike because he has no one to teach him, and my ex thinks he will get hurt on a bike, so no one is allowed to teach him. I thought maybe we could take a father/son outing and I could teach him, but that answer was a quick no.

So, now we are here for going on 7 months. I live exactly 1.68miles away from my son. My daughter really loves her brother and wants to play with him, but my son is not allowed to come to my house unless she is with him. She is always wanting to meet my wife and I at parks, the pool, or come over to their house, or them come over to my house, or go to church with them. Never am I allowed to go pick up my son and take him to the zoo, or the park, or just bring him over to play with me and his sister. She has to be present. Like I said my wife has been very awesome about all of this, but she is starting to draw the line. Both of us feel like it's very unfair that I can only see my son on her convienience, when I want to see him he's always busy. It has to fit into her schedule and then when she calls, I better take that chance to see him, or it's not gonna happen for a while again. My ex is NOT going to change, I can either put up with these "rules" or not see my son at all.

My wife HATES Houston, she grew up in South Florida, all of her family is there, she really misses them and want's to move back. We only have 1 car, so I am at work and she is stuck at home all day long with my daughter 6 days a week and can't go anywhere. She is not all that outgoing , hasn't made any friends, she's getting depressed sitting at home all day, I can catch rides to work, or she can take me if she want's the car. I have done that many many days, and the car has stayed in the drive way all day long because she don't want to get out and explore Houston on her own. For a brief period my wife was taking my daughter to the little gym 2 days a week, but our money situation stopped that, and she is suprised that all the mother's there is in little cliques, and I feel really bad she made no friends out of it also It's a big city and understandable that she's scared of getting lost. My wife is a waitress by trade, and the job market here is very different than in Florida for waitresses. Here she would only make enough money to provide child care for our daugher while she would work, so it doesn't really make sense for her to work and give all the money to child care. My job here is good, I'm making almost the same amount of money as I was in Florida, but being that it's only one income, it's put a huge financial burden on both of us. I am talking huge like we barely afford food for our daughter, and my wife and I go to bed hungry alot just because we don't have any extra money after our bills, our daugher is ALWAYS fed and taken care of first though. I am already working until 12-14 hours a day as it is, and the little time I do have off, I like to play with my daughter. We never have any extra money to go anywhere like the Zoo, waterpark, or anything. It's all bills 90% and 10% food and gas. We eat alot of frozen dinners I must say.

Now that my wife and I see's what a huge burden it is on us to be living here, she feels like Florida would be the better option because we have free child care (her family) so she can work. Her income in florida would be double maybe triple what it would be here with all the tourism. We both feel like all we have done for the past 7 months here is struggled. Day by day, My wife has made up her mind she's moving back to Florida and wants me to go too. She does not want to struggle anymore, She feels as if what I have to go through to see my son is unfair and not worth it, but since he's not her son, I totally understand her side. But she truly knows how much I love him and want to see him, but thinks he will grow up and understand and see the truth.

I have a decision to make, Move back with her and my baby daughter for more money and actually be able to survive comfortably, or stay here, struggle and possibly be able to get to see my son from time to time on the terms I described. I honestly think moving back and having the money we need to have a family is worth it. I am fed up with struggling here also. Everything about moving back seems to be the best option, until I think about my son. I love him so much and just want to keep trying to see him, and if I leave again, it's going to make me feel like a deadbeat dad that skipped out on my son. I don't want him thinking I don't love him by leaving and since he's only 8, his mother has loads of money to buy whatever he wants, he's not going to understand what we are going through with no money. It feels like it's a catch 22 with either decision I make. I don't know what's the right decision. I'm torn between my 2 kids, and I have to decide one or the other. My wifes family of course want's us to come back, my friends here want's us to stay. I know my wife loves me and would stay here with me if that's what I truly decided I wanted to do, even though we keep sinking deeper in a hole. We are not arguing about this, we love each other very much and respect each other's feelings, but I don't know if I can stay here and keep putting my wife and daughter through this.

That's where I am at in my life right now. I'm so confused on which road to take it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.

Again, I tried to keep this as short and simple as possible. I know it was alot to take in, and alot of thread to read, but I have no one else. Thank you all so much for any advice.

P.S. This is all the reason I haven't been around in forever and don't have my guitars anymore to enjoy playing.

 

[Thundergod]

Man I wish you weren't going through this. As it is, you haven't had to go through it alone, God gave you your wife who from the looks of it has been more than a great friend, partner and mother.

My opinion is you should move with her to Florida. The way things are right now you aren't allowed to see your older kid much anyway and his mother sounds just like a bitch (sorry I call her that but from your description she is just that).

You should take your wife and visit her, make it clear she needs help and she will no longer be in charge of your life. If she doesn't want you to see your son on your terms then ask her to talk about it with you in front of him so he knows you are not the problem and that he can go to you any time he needs to. But her behavior must stop. She must learn to respect people, especially you, your new wife and your son.

Moving to florida is a no brained dude. Don't let your wife move to Florida alone. From what you say she is worth a lot and those are really hard to find, you are lucky to have found her in the first place.

Don't know if you are a believer but I'll pray for your family and for the best resolution for your problem.

 

[Drew224]

Rock and a hard place. Honestly, I know you want to do right by your son, but your ex is clearly damn crazy. And there's not a whole lot you can do about that right now, it seems. I'd go back to Florida. Best of luck man. Sometimes there's no ideal solution.

 

[Thumpalumpacus]

Your ex- has control issues and is using your son to try to control you as well.

It'd be hard, but I'd move back to Florida and resign myself to the ex- telling my son that I'm a worthless piece of shit, which is what will inevitably happen.

Or, you can try again to get legal representation, if you can find the money for it, and reopen the case. There are fathers' rights organizations which can perhaps help you:

fathers rights houston - Google Search

Whatever happens, good luck.

 

[bertzie]

Get that kid out of their ASAP.

Ed Gein ring a bell? His mother gave him more freedom than your ex is letting your son have.

 

[ptate]

Man..I feel for you....

There are only three ways out of this (I think):

1. Back to court and explain what you've just said, to see about correct visitation rights.
2. Move away, but explain why to him in front of his mother so he is aware.
3. Stay there and try to make the place as good as you can for you and your new family.

All things you'd know, but there really is nothing else.

Sometimes, it takes a bit of mental adjustment to avoid falling into a pit of despair (it's easy for me to preach in this case....). The positives are that you get to see your son, you have a wonderful wife and daughter at the moment; the negatives are tied around money (the root of evil?).

If you move, you wil not see your son unless you take a trip over to visit, but your family position will be far better.

Personally, I'd be searching for all the aid and free legal advice I could find to break the visiting right crap you got left with, then deal with the move after that. If the legal team says there is no chance, explain to your son and move; but visit as much as you can and call him daily to tell him you love him.

Just MHO. Best of luck

 

[dudu]

It's fairly simple. You practically have two families, one that is completely dysfunctional,
and another that is great, despite the financial difficulties. I know what I would pick.
Think about it this way: if your son has priority, two people (your 2nd wife an daughter)
suffer. If they have priority, only one person suffers. It may sound blunt, but so is your
situation. Besides, if your 1st wife is as crazy as you describe her, your son's personality
has probably suffered enough damage so that your absence won't make a difference.
Wait for him to grow up and maybe realise the mess he's in, then try to talk to
the adult he will have hopefully become.

You have my deepest sympathies, I hope you overcome your problems and walk tall out
of this mess. I've had a few rough years myself, but nowhere near that. Your story has
put my issues in a different perspective. Best of luck, man, fingers crossed.

 

[JerseyJettfan]

Make sure your son knows when he turns eighteen he's welcome at your home. I had a friend in similar circumstances (ex's family in politics) his son now eighteen is living with him and going to college nearby all after his mom took him "out-of-state" to Conn. when he was two years old with the courts (biased in favor of females/mothers) approval despite the laws in N.J. saying the father must approve of the move (he didn't).

 

[DRF]

Some good advice so far. I would move to Florida. That bitch is going to poison what you have built up now,actually already is don't let her finish you off. Her and her rich father with their long poison fingers meh. Your son will be old enough-soon enough that he just may be calling you every other day.

Kids want closure when they get to a certain age. I know theres more to it than that but man you can't end up with nothing.

 

[DagerOne]

Your ex-wife isn't "crazy", but there is some sort of pathology involved here, and I don't mean that jokingly. If what you're describing isn't an exaggeration (and I don't think it is), she needs help. I don't believe she's "using" your son as a means to control you as Thump up there suggested...I mean, that's what's happening as a side-effect, but I don't think that's her motivation. You'd said she treated you like a sperm donor after your son was born, and that's precisely what you became in her mind. If you weren't trying so hard to remain a part of your son's life, she'd have cut you out of it completely just as it sounds she's done to everything in his life that isn't her. Being protective is parental, being over-protective is an easy trap to fall into...this goes beyond that and isn't a matter of malicious intent (IMO) to keep you from your son. It's a matter of some sort of mental disorder that has gone undiagnosed for far too long. Left untreated, the type of person your ex-wife could become is the type of person that, if by virtue of some accident your boy is hurt by someone else, could actually kill the person responsible and believe it to be justified.

Sounds like the legal system may be harshly skewed in your ex-wife's favor by her family's political standing, and that sucks. Any judge in his right mind would at least order an evaluation of your ex-wife's mental standing if you were to describe the above situation to him/her (be prepared for an evaluation of your own, as well). Your ex-wife and her family will counter that you don't have the financial means to care for your son should you attempt to obtain custody, so in that respect I think you should move back to Florida, get your collective "feet" back beneath you, and begin proceedings to get your son away from his mother. This simply isn't normal or healthy behavior from your ex-wife, and hopefully even a judge with a heavy wallet would consider the child's well-being over his own.

 

[Sleator]

Go to Florida.


As has been mentioned, you're basically being torn between two sides; your son & your daughter/wife.
I'm not going to even begin to pretend I know what it's like to even think about leaving your child. I imagine there's no harder thing to do in this world.

But you have two children to look after. As you said, your son is pretty much sorted in material terms; he ain't gonna starve or wear rags. Ideally your son needs you. Those here who grew up without a father can attest to that...

But your daughter & wife need you more. It's blunt, & I'd say it sucks beyond all belief but you must do right by them.

I've been in a negative family / financial situation... Don't do that to her. Staying will inevitably put a strain on your marriage... & I think we know what will happen from there.

Your ex put a stop to all your attempts of being there for your son. Don't blame yourself, you did a great job in the face of her horrible ways. But she cannot do the same to your daughter. So don't you let her!

She sounds batshit crazy, & a terrible mother. There's some things you can't change. But some you can.

I think you should go to Florida, be there & provide for your wife & daughter, all the while trying to get the terms revised.

Good luck bro.

 

[GNR4EVR]

Some things you just can't fix- this could well be one of them. I moved away from my family in Michigan for the same reason. The difference here was that my ex doesn't have money or the influence of a rich relative to make things worse. Her lawyer put a rather large hole in the divorce decree to prevent me from having visitation rights out of Michigan, so I have to go there. So now I go once a year to visit the girls. It's worked out for the better. I too am remarried and no matter what anyone says, it's been worth it. She's my best friend. My situation is also different because I pray a lot. That one thing has helped me tremendously. It has helped me to learn to accept things I have no control over and let him be in charge. Not at all easy to do at first. It isn't easy to sit back and watch someone wreck your children's lives. But I had to do it for my own sanity and give the kids somewhere to go when things go bad. I can't tell you what to do, but I will ask you: is it worth it being close and watching things fall apart right under your nose with no say in the matter? Or would it be better to get some distance and come visit once in awhile? My situation is a lot like yours, yet different and my girls did hate me in the beginning, but they don't now. Were actually a lot closer and now I can see the ultimate purpose of it all. Perhaps it will be that way for you.

 

[Roberteaux]

First of all, my heart goes out to you and your boy very much. Your ex really does have some issues, and you can bet that she's going to get worse before things will ever get better. A mother who still sleeps with her eight year-old boy is not exactly allowing her child to develop as an individual-- and that is probably just the tip of the iceberg. There is such a thing as mothering... but then there's something else that is more akin to smothering. The song Mother, by Pink Floyd, describes her to a tee.

My advice is this: head back to Florida, Mr. Campbell. If you keep your present-day family in dire straits too much longer, you are liable to end up with two estranged children instead of just one. How much more heartbreak can you stand? It's also time to salvage a bit of your life for YOU to enjoy, and you could actually lose your good woman if you keep her in Texas much longer. Fix what you can fix now! For, like it or not, the boy is going to be a long-term project.

Once you're set up in Florida, you can begin to petition the Texas courts for an improvement whereas your visitations with your son are concerned. In future visits, you need to nix the business of allowing the ex to drive you anywhere... and you should never stay at her house overnight under any circumstances. I know you probably did that to be able to afford more visitations with your son, but you merely played into his mother's hands in that manner. Thump was right when he described her as being of a controlling nature. Most of her stuff comes right out of the Control Freak Handbook, matter of fact. You will have no quality time with your son with that woman constantly hovering around in the background.

There's no way you can predict the future whereas you and your boy are concerned. I agree that the ex is most likely to attempt to turn him against you, but sometimes that sort of thing backfires when the child grows up and figures out that mom was about a half-bubble off level. Believe me, I have seen this sort of thing in the past. Meanwhile, you have a little girl to raise...

I am sorry that you ended up in such a situation as this, but the game is far from over. But what you need to do right now is prioritize: you need to consolidate your position and make life easier for those whom you are directly responsible for. Again, you can just hang in there and plug away when it comes to the boy-- this is a thing you'll be dealing with for years-- but first things first. You gotta get your first string people in line, and make life tolerable for them, before you can ever really help the boy child.

I will pray for you.

--R

 

[Eric Smith]

Sorry that you are going through this. I think that Thundergod gave you the exact same bit of advice that I would have. As others have pointed out, your wife is your number one concern and number one relationship in your life. If the marital relationship holds strong, the paternal relationships will follow. It sucks to think that you may have to deal with the bad mouthing from the ex, but your family must come first. As has been mentioned, there are things that you can do to gain your rights, and a sit down with the mother and your son is a great idea.

 

[Jeremiah]

People have already given great advice, but here goes:

Move to Florida, your wife and daughter need you to make the hard decision. It sounds like your wife would follow you into Hell, but you don't necessarily have to lead her there

I wouldn't do anything in front of your son that will cause bad blood between your ex and you, she might become vindictive and your situation could worsen. Don't confront your ex and tell her that she has anything to do with the move, explain it in factual terms. Not enough food, not enough work, family in Florida to help with childcare.

I would write the boy as much as possible, being careful to never make a disparaging comment about his mother, as she is sure to read anything that comes through the door. Make it a point to visit him at least on his birthday and telephone often. These two things alone are enough to never piss the mother off. She will block you from him, as she has proven she will do already. Invite her to come over to your place a few times a year as well, the burden should not be 100% on you, financially.

If all this sounds like acquiescing to the demands of an insane person, get used to it. The legal system in this country caters to women, and if you want a relationship with your boy, you'll get over it.

I'm sorry if this sounded harsh. You sound like a good man who just wants to be with his son, I just think a little pride swallowing is in order, given your unique set of circumstances.

 

[EEF13]

At first I thought you were going to ask us if you should kill your ex wife.

 

[campbellj]

Thank you everyone for all of the kind words. This really helps ease the frustration and heartache I have been feeling lately about making this decision. Like you all said, I got to take care of my wife and daughter first. I am going to get her back home to her family so we can get back on our feet. At that point, once we are financially stable again, I am going to search out legal help to try and get me some type of arrangements with my son.

I do think the situation he is in with his mother is damaging him and I am going to try my best to get it stopped. As much as I dislike her, I have never spoken a bad word about her to him, nor do I ever try to make him feel as if I am better than she is when I do get to spend time with him. I am just going to write, call, skype, and come to see him when money permits, still to this day I have never missed a birthday and don't plan on it. Hopefully if nothing turns out legally in the future, he will at least see the truth.

My wife also read this entire thread too, so she is also feeling alot better also about the decision we are going to make. Again, thank you all so much. This forum really is full of great people!

 

[nauc]

i think you should go back to F too. take care of you daughter, your current wife and YOU

then deal with your ex

you cant help your son if youre sinking

and id talk to lawyers IN FLORDIA, all the ones you talked to in TX, for all you know, are connected to your ex's father.

you GOT to find a technicality to get a judge to relook into your child custody case. if theres opportunity and motive to get that court date changed when you were gone, thats got to be IT. have your lawyers dig at that. if they wont budge, youre off to LAW SCHOOL!

good luck

 

[morrow]

Is there any other options for getting the kid out?

 

[Kamen_Kaiju]

PM sent Campbell.

Stay strong bro.