- Sep 29, 2011
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I will absolutely read that. Thank you, and thank you for the reply.First: sorry to hear that you have to deal with an abusive relative.
However, nobody can answer this question for you but you, yourself.
But then, I figure you're just venting and didn't actually expect a truly serious answer to begin with. I know you're not chump enough to take important advice from somebody on the Internet who might actually be an asshole himself.
I had one truly abusive relative who ultimately sank beneath the mental muck of dementia near the end of his life. Sucker was high and mighty all his life-- forever jeering, finding fault, and invalidating the very humanity of his family-- but he ended up shitting his pants like a baby every day and not knowing who he was or where he was for the last couple of years of his life.
It was illuminating. Lo, how the mighty are fallen, eh? This one was so arrogant during the times of his life that it was truly psycopathological. But, it turned out that all the megalomania and delusions of grandeur were merely fronts for an ego that was crippled in his childhood.
I learned by watching his demise that all things are relative. I realized that I was reacting to him because of my own ego, and that in fact it was an overreaction. He was never that great to begin with. Might as well get pissed off because one was insulted by a cockroach.
I didn't enjoy seeing him go down the tubes like that, either. I didn't feel at all vindicated to witness what became of him, and what his fate consisted of. Ultimately, I actually learned to pity him, even though he was despicable.
And I realized this: no matter who a man is, or thinks he is, or what others think of him, in the long run he's dead meat anyway. But seeing this almost extraordinarily abusive man end up as a drooling inmate in an ALF really put things into perspective. It was such a vivid crash-and-burn on his part that I couldn't help but to think quite a bit about him and to come to some useful conclusions as a result of all this.
Since then I've learned to just kind of take people as they come. I still won't put up with their crap, same as I never put up with his. But people who are abusive towards others in a psychological manner no longer invoke a really strong emotional reaction in me. Instead, I just treat them with scorn and disdain for the most part.
A mouthy punk is just a mouthy punk, even if he's a holy terror to his relatives or those who are susceptible to his bullying.
Now, as to you: do you feel comfortable abandoning your mom as she wends her way into dotage? I ask this because ultimately, whether or not you can live with that is the final question.
I'm saying this seriously: you might wish to talk to a shrink about this. I don't say that because you seem to need therapy (though for all I know, you could use some), but instead suggest this because sometimes shrinks of the family-counseling type can tell you things about others that neutralize the negative effects they usually have on others.
There's a book you should read, too. It's not very long at all, and I have seen this book help others to understand those who are psychologically abusive, and to free themselves from the detrimental effects of having to deal with such persons:
It's less than one hundred pages long. There's no advanced psych-talk or gobbledygook to chew on, and so it is very easy to read and comprehend.
I say again: I've known several people who enjoyed an immediate benefit from reading this thing. and have actually given away a copy or two over the years.
You can get it for about eight bucks as either an e-book or a hard copy, and it's worth every penny.