SOME OPINIONS ON FAMILY $H!T

[freebyrd 69]

So, I'll try and make a long story short, but some background info is necessary to paint a fair picture. I always value a lot of the opinions here. It's my Mom.....the basic question is, how many times do you get insulted, kicked in the nuts, and treated like $h!t before you throw your hands up and walk away?

My parents divorced when I was 8. Lived with my Mom and then my mom and step-dad until I was 12. Step-dad was a big douche. Moved back in with my dad. He wasn't the greatest either back then. We are all good now, but, he was basically a womanizing hot head back in the day.

Anyway, I have always maintained a relationship, mostly good with my mom. She moved to my area when my ex and I had my daughter, who, as many of you know has some disabilities. She has been a godsend to my daughter.

My mom retired too early, and I told her so. She is 68 and has no money. Retired at 58 when they eliminated her position, when she should have continued working. She hasn't had the greatest life, some due to her own choices, some due to the men in her life. She is 3 times divorced.

She helped care for my daughter, and because of that, I leased her a new car....3 of them actually. Car payment was $220 and I'd give her $300 mo. Much cheaper than we could get care for, and she enjoys Brooke immensely. It was not, however, without issue.

My mom is a control freak. Her and my ex would get into it, and I'd be stuck in the middle. Many times though, my ex was right, and I'd tell my mom, as gently as I could, that she was in the wrong making derogatory comments about my ex. My ex was not the greatest wife, but she is one hell of a mother to our daughter.

After the divorce, I ended up selling the house. My ex, and my daughter are still close (proximity wise) to my mom. I moved about 45 min away. Before the move, whenever I had parenting time with my daughter, my mom was there. EVERY SINGLE SECOND. It wasn't so much that she wanted to see Brooke, it was that she didn't think I could handle my daughter. "I think I'll take B to the cider mill today." She would say, "it's 52 degrees, you really shouldn't do that, wait till it's warmer, she'll get a cold". It was this way with EVERYTHING. What I fed her, what I did with her, her bedtime, her meds, her bath...EVERYTHING.

After moving, it was a huge relief. It was too far for her to drive (she hates driving), so it is just my daughter and I (as well as my finace and her daughter). I can now do whatever I want with her, and we have a BLAST together. I pick her up from, and drop her off to my mom on my weekends so my mom can see her too. My ex also let's her know that she'll bring her over whenever she wants to see her.

NOW.....present day. For some reason (I have asked, and she never has a reason), my mom is just getting more and more rude and unkind to me. The most recent incident put me over the edge. She had a small indoor trampoline that she bought for my daughter (who is 6). She has a 400 sq ft. apartment. She offered it to me because her back was getting too bad to use it with her. Great! That would be awesome. 2 days later, after I paid $900 to clear her lease car account, she tells me she sold the trampoline for $10. REALLY. 10 GOD#@MN dollars? My daughter used it....loved it. Could have and would have used it at my place. WHY?

My aunt (my mom's sister), left Brooke $1000 when she passed. My mom said we could use it for anything to do with Brooke, as long as she got receipts. I told my ex to just take it. I didn't want the strings attached to that purse. My mom kept insisting I could use some of it. I told her I'd get Brooke a swing. "OK". I researched them. "Well, after calculating it out, I figured you are only going to be able to use it 16 days a year with her, so, I'm going to have to say no for using that much of the money to buy it." Calculate it out she did too.....figured in bad weather days, cold days, LOL, WTF? NEVERMIND. THAT is why I told you I didn't want any part of it.

There's more, much more. I'm her only child. I have never done ANYTHING intentionally bad or to wrong my mom. Sorry for the REALLY long story, but, again, I ask you guys....WTF? How many times do you get insulted, wronged, badmouthed, before you say, you know what, IDGAF WHO you are, I'm DONE?

 

[defcrew]

Familiarity breeds contempt. My folks live 5 hours away and have been very absentee in regards to child rearing and it was by design. Parents just can't quit being parents and kids can't quit being kids. I think you are kind of stuck though. Horse out of the barn? As an only child she cherishes you more than anything esp given the failed marriages and so forth. Try to be patient but stand up for yourself. She'll "forgive" you. There's nobody like your mother and she won't be around always. Good luck.

 

[Crotch]

Same back story here. Only child, divorced, mom remarried a totaled douche, dad kind of a dick growing up, cool now. However, where that changes is that my mom was pretty successful but worked her ass off. I never supported her financially, in fact quite the opposite during a period of my middle 20s.
I can't say I've ever had problems with my mom or her being disrespectful. The only thing I have to remind her of occasionally is that I am married, do have a life, and can't be at her beck and call. And can't always drop everything to change a battery in a smoke alarm. I don't want that to sound ungrateful because trust me, I do plenty.
I guess the point of the story is that you may have to have a tough conversation. Everything you're saying sounds fair enough to me. Thank you you for everything you do but my daughter, my life, my decisions. If you want input on it please make it non confrontational.

And wait, fiancé? I didn't even know.

 

[Harmony]

If her behavior is getting worse and ruder, could it be possible that she has early dementia? My grandma was a very laid back sweet woman but her behavior started changing at the beginning of the onset.

My mother was/is a control freak, a mega one. Good thing that she is thousands of miles away across the pond.
She has said and done a lot of bad things in my life until enough was enough. She told me several times she wished I was dead when she didn't get her own way...so I guess I tolerated quite a bit before I realized I should not put up with this anymore. I was always the black sheep in her eyes.
I do wish we could have a good relationship though.

I don't know what to say, as it does seem that she has been there for you and Brooke so not all bad. Maybe she is one of those interfering mothers that many complain about and feels the need to keep parenting you or someone? There could be a load of reasons, but I would't say at this point that it can't be worked out for the better somehow. (given what you wrote).

 

[Kamen_Kaiju]

I have no good advice. My advice for dealing with women, almost any woman, is that you usually treat them like children with special needs.

They're emotional and illogical and you either get drug down into it with them where they will just kick your ass over and over and run circles around you, or you rise above it and sort of laugh at the whole ridiculous thing.

I tell my Mother (after over 10 years of being estranged and really not seeing or talking to her) that she's acting like a child when she is. It's drama, man. I don't want to play the female drama games so I usually just walk away from it all.

I love my family but they try and drive me crazy with their anxieties and crazy behavior so I sort of just try to avoid them. They all sort of act like teenagers in a way. 'The Drama!' ....I choose not to play the game. Life's hard enough without creating more problems and looking for things to be upset about.

Good luck man, dealing with family can be exhausting.

 

[The General]

Man, tough situation. On many fronts. I would encourage you to be patient with her, you don't want to do anything you regret later. Easier said than done I know.

Maybe your mom is starting to deal with some mental disease, like dementia or Alzheimer's? Many times people get meaner as it progresses. My wife's grandmother had it and got so mean they had to put her in a home, they couldn't handle her themselves and needed pros.

She's probably alone a fair amount which has to be tough on her, especially at her age. Lots of time to just think about things, good and bad. Idle minds and idle hands, you know.

As far as the trampoline, let it slide. Maybe she just honestly forgot she offered it to you. See above.

Good luck man. Let me know if I can help.

 

[TheX]

My wife and I moved to Texas 10 years ago, with no family here at all. We removed all possible drama from our daily lives. We still visit with family but on our terms, and when we want.

 

[Roberteaux]

How many times do you get insulted, wronged, badmouthed, before you say, you know what, IDGAF WHO you are, I'm DONE?

First: sorry to hear that you have to deal with an abusive relative.

However, nobody can answer this question for you but you, yourself.

But then, I figure you're just venting and didn't actually expect a truly serious answer to begin with. I know you're not chump enough to take important advice from somebody on the Internet who might actually be an asshole himself.

I had one truly abusive relative who ultimately sank beneath the mental muck of dementia near the end of his life. Sucker was high and mighty all his life-- forever jeering, finding fault, and invalidating the very humanity of his family-- but he ended up shitting his pants like a baby every day and not knowing who he was or where he was for the last couple of years of his life.

It was illuminating. Lo, how the mighty are fallen, eh? This one was so arrogant during the times of his life that it was truly psycopathological. But, it turned out that all the megalomania and delusions of grandeur were merely fronts for an ego that was crippled in his childhood.

I learned by watching his demise that all things are relative. I realized that I was reacting to him because of my own ego, and that in fact it was an overreaction. He was never that great to begin with. Might as well get pissed off because one was insulted by a cockroach.

I didn't enjoy seeing him go down the tubes like that, either. I didn't feel at all vindicated to witness what became of him, and what his fate consisted of. Ultimately, I actually learned to pity him, even though he was despicable.

And I realized this: no matter who a man is, or thinks he is, or what others think of him, in the long run he's dead meat anyway. But seeing this almost extraordinarily abusive man end up as a drooling inmate in an ALF really put things into perspective. It was such a vivid crash-and-burn on his part that I couldn't help but to think quite a bit about him and to come to some useful conclusions as a result of all this.

Since then I've learned to just kind of take people as they come. I still won't put up with their crap, same as I never put up with his. But people who are abusive towards others in a psychological manner no longer invoke a really strong emotional reaction in me. Instead, I just treat them with scorn and disdain for the most part.

A mouthy punk is just a mouthy punk, even if he's a holy terror to his relatives or those who are susceptible to his bullying.

Now, as to you: do you feel comfortable abandoning your mom as she wends her way into dotage? I ask this because ultimately, whether or not you can live with that is the final question.

I'm saying this seriously: you might wish to talk to a shrink about this. I don't say that because you seem to need therapy (though for all I know, you could use some), but instead suggest this because sometimes shrinks of the family-counseling type can tell you things about others that neutralize the negative effects they usually have on others.

There's a book you should read, too. It's not very long at all, and I have seen this book help others to understand those who are psychologically abusive, and to free themselves from the detrimental effects of having to deal with such persons:

It's less than one hundred pages long. There's no advanced psych-talk or gobbledygook to chew on, and so it is very easy to read and comprehend.

I say again: I've known several people who enjoyed an immediate benefit from reading this thing. and have actually given away a copy or two over the years.

You can get it for about eight bucks as either an e-book or a hard copy, and it's worth every penny.

--R

 

[sk8rat]

ultimately you have to decide what the breaking point is.

what he says at :58 is relevant. if more mothers understood this, there would be a lot less f*cked up people in the world.

fwiw, growing up my mom was crazy as f*ck. my sister was the golden child. my mom had a facade of being the kind martyr but man did she have some rage that I always seemed to the the target of. we get along fine now but man she really needed some pill to control her bipolar disorder.

 

[Thumpalumpacus]

So, I'll try and make a long story short, but some background info is necessary to paint a fair picture. I always value a lot of the opinions here. It's my Mom.....the basic question is, how many times do you get insulted, kicked in the nuts, and treated like $h!t before you throw your hands up and walk away?

My parents divorced when I was 8. Lived with my Mom and then my mom and step-dad until I was 12. Step-dad was a big douche. Moved back in with my dad. He wasn't the greatest either back then. We are all good now, but, he was basically a womanizing hot head back in the day.

Anyway, I have always maintained a relationship, mostly good with my mom. She moved to my area when my ex and I had my daughter, who, as many of you know has some disabilities. She has been a godsend to my daughter.

My mom retired too early, and I told her so. She is 68 and has no money. Retired at 58 when they eliminated her position, when she should have continued working. She hasn't had the greatest life, some due to her own choices, some due to the men in her life. She is 3 times divorced.

She helped care for my daughter, and because of that, I leased her a new car....3 of them actually. Car payment was $220 and I'd give her $300 mo. Much cheaper than we could get care for, and she enjoys Brooke immensely. It was not, however, without issue.

My mom is a control freak. Her and my ex would get into it, and I'd be stuck in the middle. Many times though, my ex was right, and I'd tell my mom, as gently as I could, that she was in the wrong making derogatory comments about my ex. My ex was not the greatest wife, but she is one hell of a mother to our daughter.

After the divorce, I ended up selling the house. My ex, and my daughter are still close (proximity wise) to my mom. I moved about 45 min away. Before the move, whenever I had parenting time with my daughter, my mom was there. EVERY SINGLE SECOND. It wasn't so much that she wanted to see Brooke, it was that she didn't think I could handle my daughter. "I think I'll take B to the cider mill today." She would say, "it's 52 degrees, you really shouldn't do that, wait till it's warmer, she'll get a cold". It was this way with EVERYTHING. What I fed her, what I did with her, her bedtime, her meds, her bath...EVERYTHING.

After moving, it was a huge relief. It was too far for her to drive (she hates driving), so it is just my daughter and I (as well as my finace and her daughter). I can now do whatever I want with her, and we have a BLAST together. I pick her up from, and drop her off to my mom on my weekends so my mom can see her too. My ex also let's her know that she'll bring her over whenever she wants to see her.

NOW.....present day. For some reason (I have asked, and she never has a reason), my mom is just getting more and more rude and unkind to me. The most recent incident put me over the edge. She had a small indoor trampoline that she bought for my daughter (who is 6). She has a 400 sq ft. apartment. She offered it to me because her back was getting too bad to use it with her. Great! That would be awesome. 2 days later, after I paid $900 to clear her lease car account, she tells me she sold the trampoline for $10. REALLY. 10 GOD#@MN dollars? My daughter used it....loved it. Could have and would have used it at my place. WHY?

My aunt (my mom's sister), left Brooke $1000 when she passed. My mom said we could use it for anything to do with Brooke, as long as she got receipts. I told my ex to just take it. I didn't want the strings attached to that purse. My mom kept insisting I could use some of it. I told her I'd get Brooke a swing. "OK". I researched them. "Well, after calculating it out, I figured you are only going to be able to use it 16 days a year with her, so, I'm going to have to say no for using that much of the money to buy it." Calculate it out she did too.....figured in bad weather days, cold days, LOL, WTF? NEVERMIND. THAT is why I told you I didn't want any part of it.

There's more, much more. I'm her only child. I have never done ANYTHING intentionally bad or to wrong my mom. Sorry for the REALLY long story, but, again, I ask you guys....WTF? How many times do you get insulted, wronged, badmouthed, before you say, you know what, IDGAF WHO you are, I'm DONE?

She sounds too controlling for me. I'd establish boundaries and stick to them. Keep her at arms length, don't disrespect her, but don't allow her to make decisions about how you spend time with your own child, and yes, reject any offers having strings attached, even if that means she sells something stupid cheap. That's her decision and she can mull her decisions over on her own time.

 

[KP11520]

Unfortunately, your mom has been reduced to having no other purpose than Brooke in life. Mostly because of her own doing. It's all she has and anybody getting in her way is like stealing her breath. Add that to her progressive OCDish Control Freak ways and it spirals.... down. All of us have quirks. If we address them as we go through life, they don't have to get worse. if addressed well, they might get more manageable. Nothing and they get exponentially more pronounced every decade. There probably isn't much left to work with and I'd bet it's too late.

You will need to have a real and quite direct conversation with her that you were her child, and Brooke is yours and you are the adult in charge, despite whatever is going on with her. You might need to take her to a family therapist together and get a professional referee. Otherwise, she will continue her selfish agenda.

Best of luck!

 

[Pop1655]

Jon, you're a good man, a good provider and a great father. You're as about as good as it gets in the son department. Your mother should be grateful and thankful.
I'd tell her in no uncertain terms just how lucky she is.

 

[Bobby Mahogany]

AS Harmony did I question myself about possible early dementia.
But overall stress or a particular situation she's living could have triggered the change of character.
68 is young to be retired with no money and she might feel that burden.

In any case, maybe what you're expecting from the relationship is (now) impossible.
She can't be the sound person you would like her to be so lowering your expectations
could help you not getting upset at the "crazy" things, "stupid" things, "inconsiderate things"
she does. Distance, if only psychological, can help.
Don't show her hard feelings because that ain't gonna help with anything.
Keep a cool head but know who/what you're dealing with.

And keep an eye for any evolution that would mean an illness, dementia or else.
Take care.

 

[Sct13]

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles,

my mom is in her twilight years (as is my father) and I'm in agreement with Harmony, selling off a trampoline for $10 is something of a change that is more of an alarm. I would start to watch her a little more closely.

It also sounds like since she has lost some control of Brooke, she might have acted out aggressively towards you....she knows money will get your goat....and while I'm sure she appreciates your taking care of her transportation needs, there may be some passive aggressiveness towards that very gesture...?

I only met your mom briefly at one or two gigs so I don't know her at all. But from your post it seems that some or all of her control issues are about money and how its used with Brooke. Believe me ....I get it....My mom used to trap me and my first wife in "Loans" and then she could really pull the strings when she needed to.

 

[kiko]

Complicated situation you're in, there will be no easy and simple answer. Be kind and understanding as you are doing but put you're foot down. You do not have to accept grief or anything negative not even from your Mom. I hope things things turns out well for you.

 

[VictorB]

I have a few relatives that I simply cannot stand. Unfortunately, I’m occasionally forced to deal with a few of them for business purposes.

So when I do have to interact with them, I either bring someone else along to act as a buffer, or I simply limit the time spent with them.

Otherwise I’d probably go insane, lol.

 

[Sct13]

I was also thinking that you can't change it....My mom was never REALLY abusive on purpose, but she could be an still is (to her husband) but the swings that she has are really a big part of it.

One of the first things to go is a persons memory, then the barriers start to drop. Like cussing, or talking about a subject in public that you would NEVER hear your mom say....I look back and its funny now....but I was mortified that my mom could think that way....but to say it?

They begin to act out and do outrageous things, and sometimes those things are hurtful and many times very dangerous (to themselves) We had to take the car away from my mom...

what I'm getting at is your moms selling off the trampoline that cost hundreds for $10 could be a laps in reason, when she realized it, she covers for it and says "yep I did that" admitting the goof as an intentional act (my mom does it all the time) because they know they are changing and they are embarrassed by it.

Lots of love man...!

And what I mean by that is, dont shut her out....your angry and you'll work through it, but as someone said up post, life is temporary, she will be gone one day. You don't want to live with guilt, and she deserves to be loved....

Anyway, all the best

 

[LtDave32]

".. Buffers, yeah. We had a lot of buffers.."

 

[blackie2]

I can only pass on a very hard truth about parents, there is no law that says you are responsible for their behavior. And you are under no obligation to manage their finances, posessions, or relationships.

My parents are both gone. My Dad suffered from PTSD and heart problems and died at 72 with some dementia the last year. My Mom was a raging alcoholic in her late 60's until we got her committed. She lived with me after my Dad died and her drinking and abuse was so severe I threw her out to save my sanity. I never looked back and my brothers and sister thought I was a heartless bastard until she moved in with each one of them.

My point being, you don't have to deal with anyone's bullshit if you don't want to, even your own mother.

 

[freebyrd 69]

The trampoline thing, she didn't forget...she claims she "changed her mind" about giving it to me. The crazy thing is, no one came knocking on her door looking for a used exercise trampoline. She made a conscious decision to sell it..... And the even crazier thing is, I have no use for it. She essentially took it away from Brooke.....for $10.

I am really struggling with this. I love my mom, and I know she has done the best she can for me. Believe it or not, I could've written an even longer OP just adding other things she has done in the last six months to year that were just as sh1tty.

Bad mouthing my fiancé. She just has a miserable outlook on life. Basically, everyone is an idiot but her....EVERYONE. The older I get, I have a hard time being around people that are negative and nasty. I also have a hard time being fake.

Maybe some of you are right, about the dementia or Alzheimer's thing. I guess I never thought about that. I know I only have one mom and I do not want to have a bad relationship with her. I find myself wanting to see her as little as possible. Every time I try to blow it off, she will do something else or say something else that just pisses me off.

She was trying to get Brooke to say something (she is non verbal) Saturday. Brooke did say it. I was texting a customer back at that moment. As I was turning around to praise Brooke, she says, in her nasty tone, "oh never mind, you didn't hear it your face was in the phone". Then bitched about it to my ex.

Everything is drama filled, negative, nasty......about everyone and everything.

I guess I will try another conversation and see how it goes.