Quick joke (this one's funny)

[El_Greco]

That was abismuth.

Actually that sounds more like a gay scientist

 

[teame1]

I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

 

[Mike.B.]

 

[PapaSquash]

so, a bass player walks into a bar...

 

[TKOjams]

Jesus walks into a bed & breakfast, lays two nails on the counter and asks, "can you put me up for the night?"

 

[Mike.B.]

 

[Hawiian2]

A man who is mute walks into a pharmacy looking to buy a condom.
Not being able to speak he pull his "fireman" out places it on the counter. He then places a dollar on the counter next to it.
The pharmacist walks over pulls his out and places it on the counter.
His is longer, so he takes the dollar ...

 

[Fracture]

so, a bass player walks into a bar...

Bass players don't get invited out much...

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JXvR7iwnoY]YouTube - Kids In The Hall "The Bass Player"[/ame]

 

[LIBERTYMACHINE]

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

 

[PapaSquash]

He's the only one who's not adopted.

 

[mtgguitar]

Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
A barber.

 

[PunkerJon]

What did the doctor say after he pulled a rectal thermometer out from behind his ear?












Damnit! Some A$$HOLE walked off with my pen!

 

[GitFiddle]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, why the long face?

 

[KSG_Standard]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I is sure of eet.”
“Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee.”

So with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture… fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon - every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!

“Pepe, Pepe - we ees saved - eees a bacon tree!”

“Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget.”

“Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell of bacon? Ees no meerage - ees a bacon tree.”

And with that, Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres - Pepe following closely behind - when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe, go back man - you was right, ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis, Luis, mi amigo… what ees eet?”
“Pepe, ees not a bacon tree… ees a Ham Bush.”

 

[C.Daniels]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, somebody already told her twice.

Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

 

[bildozr]

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImorUXUBPew]YouTube - The Office US S05 E17 - KGB Knock Knock Joke[/ame]

 

[Thumpalumpacus]

Once there were two seafloor buddies, Larry the Lobster and Sam Clam. They were bff, doing everything together, inseparable, until one day there was an underwater landslide which covered the seabed and killed them both.

Now, Larry was a devout litle lobster, worshipping in his own arachnid way, but Sam, well, he'd always had more than a smidgen of doubt, so when they died, they rode different escalators: Larry's going up, and Sam's, well, it was downhill all the way.

So Larry's in Heaven, he's got his standard issue harp, his wings and his halo, but he's just not himself -- mopey and pining for his best bud Sam Clam. One day Saint Peter notices this and asks, "Say, Larry, aren't you happy? This is Heaven! What can your problem be?"

"Well, St. Pete, I miss my buddy Sam, and no offense, but it's just not like Heaven when I miss him so."

The venerable saint scratches his beard and thinks for a moment, and then says, "I'll talk to the Old Man and see what we can do."

The next day, the Saint tells him, "Larry, I spoke to the Chief about this, and he agreed to you going down to visit Sam for a couple of hours."

Larry was ecstatic. "Oh, thank you, Sir! This is terrific!"

"Now, Larry, the way it will work is this: you will check your wings and halo at the Pearly Gates, but you will take your harp down there," and his face wrinkled at the thought of such an awful place. "You must be back by midnight, and not one minute late! Your harp will be your pass to get back in."

So Larry rushes off to the Gates, and checks in his gear, and grabs an elevator going down. Finally it comes to a stop, and he sees a demon waiting for him. "It's about time, we've been expecting you. Let me show you to Sam's Place."

Now, Sam Clam hadn't been idle in Hell; in fact, he'd been tearing things up with his joy for life. He'd started a dance club where cheap drinks and shitty dance music played, and though there was no air-conditioning in the joint, it was the hoppingnest place around.

As you can imagine, their reunion was a joyous affair, filled with many rounds of ********* and some hot little seahorses dancing around, and reminiscing and just some good happy times, when suddenly Larry looked up at the clock, and realized it was 11:58. He panics. "I gotta go!" he shouts, and takes off for the nearest elevator, furiously pressing the Top Floor button until it glided to a stop and he steps out with seconds to spare. Stepping up to the gate, he nods at Gabriel, who had to pull graveyard duty that night, and asks for his wings and his halo.

"You're Larry?" asks Gabriel. "Where's your harp?"

Larry turned whiter than a flounder's belly, and slaps his head.

"Oh dear, I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"

 

[kmrumedy]

A man goes into Barnes & Noble bookstore and asks the young lady assistant:

"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises? I can't remember
the title."

She replies: "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

 

[Leendrix]

Once there were two seafloor buddies, Larry the Lobster and Sam Clam. They were bff, doing everything together, inseparable, until one day there was an underwater landslide which covered the seabed and killed them both.

Now, Larry was a devout litle lobster, worshipping in his own arachnid way, but Sam, well, he'd always had more than a smidgen of doubt, so when they died, they rode different escalators: Larry's going up, and Sam's, well, it was downhill all the way.

So Larry's in Heaven, he's got his standard issue harp, his wings and his halo, but he's just not himself -- mopey and pining for his best bud Sam Clam. One day Saint Peter notices this and asks, "Say, Larry, aren't you happy? This is Heaven! What can your problem be?"

"Well, St. Pete, I miss my buddy Sam, and no offense, but it's just not like Heaven when I miss him so."

The venerable saint scratches his beard and thinks for a moment, and then says, "I'll talk to the Old Man and see what we can do."

The next day, the Saint tells him, "Larry, I spoke to the Chief about this, and he agreed to you going down to visit Sam for a couple of hours."

Larry was ecstatic. "Oh, thank you, Sir! This is terrific!"

"Now, Larry, the way it will work is this: you will check your wings and halo at the Pearly Gates, but you will take your harp down there," and his face wrinkled at the thought of such an awful place. "You must be back by midnight, and not one minute late! Your harp will be your pass to get back in."

So Larry rushes off to the Gates, and checks in his gear, and grabs an elevator going down. Finally it comes to a stop, and he sees a demon waiting for him. "It's about time, we've been expecting you. Let me show you to Sam's Place."

Now, Sam Clam hadn't been idle in Hell; in fact, he'd been tearing things up with his joy for life. He'd started a dance club where cheap drinks and shitty dance music played, and though there was no air-conditioning in the joint, it was the hoppingnest place around.

As you can imagine, their reunion was a joyous affair, filled with many rounds of ********* and some hot little seahorses dancing around, and reminiscing and just some good happy times, when suddenly Larry looked up at the clock, and realized it was 11:58. He panics. "I gotta go!" he shouts, and takes off for the nearest elevator, furiously pressing the Top Floor button until it glided to a stop and he steps out with seconds to spare. Stepping up to the gate, he nods at Gabriel, who had to pull graveyard duty that night, and asks for his wings and his halo.

"You're Larry?" asks Gabriel. "Where's your harp?"

Larry turned whiter than a flounder's belly, and slaps his head.

"Oh dear, I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"

... wheres the punch line?

 

[slapshot]

it sounds better out loud when you actually use Sand Crabs Disco