My Worst Gigs #1= The Dugout

[Tim Fezziwig]

? and the FEZZterians here at the GOLDEN TABLE OF LOVE. Huge day. My friend, Twice Divorced, rode down from Syracuse to see his mother and hit golf balls.We have been golfing together for 13 years. I drove up to Syracuse for his first wedding. We played golf for the bachelor party. He got divorced=CHEATING WIFE

He got remarried. I didn't go to second wedding. He got divorced. CHEATING WIFE w/ WOMAN and wanting "open" relationship. He now plays 113 rounds a year. I have recently quit golf. I played 2xs aweek for years. 2011 I got rid of "habits" and got new ones. Golf was out, coffee +fried onions were in. I only play golf when Twice visits his mama=2-3xs a year.

Today was first round of the year for me. I shot 91. He shot 79. He is a real golfer,I am not,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,


My Worst Gigs

I sit here , I go back in time time time,,,,,,,,,when I was a real boy,,,,,,,a real guitarist ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

1993 - Old Fezz #1 is leaking oil. We formed in 1992, we clicked immediately. 8 hours aweek of practice in our sweating storage unit. We now were dying as a band. The cross-eyed drummer had taken to camping trips with his "frigid" gal? Why do that? He started blowing off gigs,

"Hey,,uhhhh, Tim ,,,,,,I can't gig this Saturday....NO SEX CAMPING TRIP TO TAKE,,,,,,,,,,,"

I yawned and hit a sour E chord. Lucky, my bassist, laughed,

"Tim you are slop,we need a real guitarist."

He was right, we needed a real guitarist

Two weeks later we have a gig,no celibate camping trips for a change. We play a CRAP bar=The Dugout. I hated this bar. They always shut me down,but would continue calling me.

"YEAH?"
"FEZZ."
"YEAH?"
"JOHNNIE GSPOT HERE."
"YEAH?"
"WE NEED FEZZ."
"YOU SHUT ME DOWN ALL THE TIME."
"BE THERE NEXT FRIDAY."
"OK, MASTER."

I went. My fave local band ,Snorkle,sat right in front of us. I put on my CASPER mask and bowler. I turned around,,,,,,,,


bbbnbbbbBBBBBBbbbbBBBLllllllOOOOOOOIIIIIIIiiiiinnnnngggg.

My mouth hit the mic. I started playing Communication Brokedown, I was supposed to be playing FLESHEATER. They are almost the same songLucky kicked me in the butt and I threw a haymaker at him. We were really bad,EXCEPT ,,,,my leads killed,,,,,,,I was so nervous from being totally out of sync,that my hands were flying over the frets. Chords were junk, leads were very lively. We played three songs . We cleared the place. The lights went off. We kept playing,,,,,,,,,,,,

I was loading up my gear. JOHNNIE GSPOT gave me $75.
"I'll call you soon FEZZ."

I have REAL charisma, not this 2013 watered-down stuff, I'm talking 1975 charisma. I will be berated then welcomed back. Strange thing.


I got dejected back then. I was 26 going on 59. Another shutdown. I loaded up my Fender Dual Showman head. I felt a tap on the shoulder,

"Fezz, great show."

It was my fave local guitarist. Dan Snorkle.

"I loved your leads,cripes you were fast."

"Thanks Dan,adrenaline is your friend."

He handed me a flyer. Both of our bands would die in several months. Snorkle was destroyed by a woman. Fezz was just pathetic by that point.

"Hey Dan, we should form a band."

Dan "almost" bit.

"I wish, I hate my drummer and bassist."

He handed me a bottle of vodka. We got drunk,just two guitarists about to lose their bands.....

? and the FEZZterians yawns. These old tales tire him. What would have happened if he joined Snorkle Dan? He knows the answer.

Like Freddy Fender says,,,,,,,,,,wasted days and wasted nights!!!!!!!