Lost a great man, now preparing for possibly a very awkward moment

C Squared

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So this past Wednesday I suddenly get a call from a very close friend. From his mom actually, but growing up his parents were my "other" parents so I still just call her Moms. Anyway, we chat for a bit and she sounds a little stressed so I ask her what's up? She then tells me Carrie (my first wife) called over there looking for me :shock::hmm: Carrie's father had a massive stroke and her mom wanted her to get in touch with me. Didn't look like he was going to make it over night. :(

So about an hour later I get a text from Carrie, telling what moms had told me, and that her mom was asking for me. I was very close to her parents. They were very good people, her father a very talented musician and teacher, and also very caring and devoted family man. To this day I still meet random people who had him as a music teacher in school or studies with him at one of the music stores, or remember him performing with a group. I cared for these people very much. He got ill about 18 years ago. Brain Cancer. After surgery they gave him 6 months to live. Guess he didn't like that idea so he just kept on living.:thumb:

Anyway, I haven't seen or spoken to Carrie in 15 years. She moved across the country, remarried, started a family. Good for her. I have since moved on as well. I guess at some point she moved back, maybe to be closer to her aging parents, not sure.

I tried calling her moms house and the hospital, left messages with her mom and asked if there was anything I could do to help, or if she wanted me to stop by just to let her know when.

Her father passed this weekend. Wake is tomorrow, funeral Wednesday. I was trying to find someone else who was close to Carrie or her brother Tim that I could possible go to the wake with (a little less awkward?) but no luck. I was really torn as to whether or not I should even go so I talked it over with my significant other and she just said "tomorrow night will you be more upset with yourself about not going, or about a possible awkward moment?"

Don't plan on staying long, but do want to offer my condolences to her mom, her brother, and herself. He was such a great man, and made an impact on so many lives for the better. I'm sure I will see other people there I know, but it does feel a little weird to be having to see your ex for the first time in so many years under these circumstances.
 

Kamen_Kaiju

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Go if you want, handle your business, ignore the Ex completely, and leave.
 

C Squared

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Go if you want, handle your business, ignore the Ex completely, and leave.

Exactly what I'm hoping to do. I won't be rude to her, I have no ill feeling towards her, but I'd rather not have to say too much to her either.
 

Thumpalumpacus

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I would go. I would go, and pay my respects, and if I felt awkward facing my ex-, I would just give her my condolences and let her know that I'm available to help as may be needed: "I wanted to come and pay my respects to your father, and to offer you my condolences. If there's anything I can do to help you guys through this time, please let me know. If I can do it, I will."

That's it.

If you honestly hate her, then send flowers. But if it's just a matter of fearing an awkward moment, I wouldn't let that stop me.
 

Leumas

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Go and pay the man his respects. Obviously you were close. Be sensitive to whomever is in your life now, but gone is gone, ain't no second chance to say goodbye. Sorry for your loss, man.
 

Kamen_Kaiju

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I would go. I would go, and pay my respects, and if I felt awkward facing my ex-, I would just give her my condolences and let her know that I'm available to help as may be needed: "I wanted to come and pay my respects to your father, and to offer you my condolences. If there's anything I can do to help you guys through this time, please let me know. If I can do it, I will."

That's it.

If you honestly hate her, then send flowers. But if it's just a matter of fearing an awkward moment, I wouldn't let that stop me.

Better man then me, I wouldn't even go that far. " If there's anything I can do to help you guys through this time, please let me know. If I can do it, I will."

If I liked the guy enough to want to say a last goodbye, that's the only reason I'd be there.

Other then a polite head-nod I don't think I'd say a single word to the Ex.
 

Jim

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Better man then me, I wouldn't even go that far. " If there's anything I can do to help you guys through this time, please let me know. If I can do it, I will."

If I liked the guy enough to want to say a last goodbye, that's the only reason I'd be there.

Other then a polite head-nod I don't think I'd say a single word to the Ex.

I agree. I'd pay my respects but I wouldn't offer to get entangled in something you previously got yourself out of.
 

Job-Job type Job

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I would probably go based on what you said. Stay classy, pay your respects, and beat it when the moment strikes. Walk in there like James Bond. Calm command. Stay classy.
 

C Squared

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If you go, is it possible their will be weirdness, awkwardness? The girl you once promised to spend your life with just lost her father. Does she need to deal with awkwardness in a place where she should feel comforted and safe? No.

and that is exactly what I was thinking. But she has since texted me a few times, and she was the one who contacted me about what was going on. I asked her when she first told me about her father where he was and she gave me his room number and said it wouldn't be weird if I wanted to visit, that her family would appreciate it. Not sure how much I believed it or much I was just feeling weird myself.
 

colchar

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I realize I have a selfish point-of-view in life, but here goes:

If you don't go, will anyone feel weird, awkward or harmed in any way? No. So, if you don't go, you have no ability to do harm or be harmed.

The former mother-in-law might be hurt by the OP not going and she has enough to deal with right now.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and I went, paid my respects, and quietly left.
 

brokentoeswalker

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I would go, you cared for this man and his wife, it didn't work out between you and the daughter, oh well. In life there are many things we would rather not do, funerals are one of those events usually. It shows that you have respect for the man and his family and that you are a man yourself. Use your best judgement about the ex-wife, its been 15 years after all.
 

C Squared

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The former mother-in-law might be hurt by the OP not going and she has enough to deal with right now.

I've been in a somewhat similar situation and I went, paid my respects, and quietly left.

And that's it. I'm going for her mom and to pay respect to her dad. If i get to say hi to her brother or one of her uncle's I always thought was hot shit I will. But basically I want to get in and give her mom a hug, and get out.
 

Daniel

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Yeah... I say you are obligated (to yourself) to go and put your very best foot forward.
 

Thumpalumpacus

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I agree. I'd pay my respects but I wouldn't offer to get entangled in something you previously got yourself out of.

I wasn't suggesting offering to rekindle the romance. "If there's anything I can do to help you guys through this time, please let me know. If I can do it, I will."

Clearly, I'm recommending a platonic offer to the family.

Better man then me, I wouldn't even go that far. " If there's anything I can do to help you guys through this time, please let me know. If I can do it, I will."

If I liked the guy enough to want to say a last goodbye, that's the only reason I'd be there.

Other then a polite head-nod I don't think I'd say a single word to the Ex.

Yeah, some relationships are poisonous. I assume that this one isn't.
 

Groove Toad

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As difficult as it might be, I'd say go. Pay your respects. If you feel like it, leave an offer to help with no strings attached.
 

WolfeMacleod

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Don't go.

"Moved on" means "moved on". For good or bad.

The proper thing to do in a case like this is to go. It demonstrates some level of caring, even if you have moved on. Give support to the family.
I've often read that after a divorce, ex spouses should still send birthday cards, if only to acknowledge what once was. Not acknowledging is what leads to even more bitter resentment.


My mother will die of Cancer soon. Five months, tops. My ex-wife will not be there, even though my mother very much wants her to be, or to see her before she passes. When she was told about it, her words to me were "I'm sorry, but people Die. Get over it"
 

C Squared

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The proper thing to do in a case like this is to go. It demonstrates some level of caring, even if you have moved on. Give support to the family.
I've often read that after a divorce, ex spouses should still send birthday cards, if only to acknowledge what once was. Not acknowledging is what leads to even more bitter resentment.


My mother will die of Cancer soon. Five months, tops. My ex-wife will not be there, even though my mother very much wants her to be, or to see her before she passes. When she was told about it, her words to me were "I'm sorry, but people Die. Get over it"

Holy Sh*t man I can see why this woman is your ex!!!

Sorry to hear about your mother man, that crap from your ex is totally uncalled for
 

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