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Guy Named Sue

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Ireland Declared War on France
Long ago, Jacques Chirac, The French President, was sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
 

Guy Named Sue

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A man was walking to his local pub for his usual evening drink. As he approached he saw a nun who began to hector him with "Tink before you drink. The demon drink is the work of the devil".
The man gets a bit annoyed and decides to have a go at the nun by saying "Do you know what you're talking about. You've probably never had a drink so don't be hypocritical by shouting at us who do".
The nun looked downcast and told the man that morally he was right.
The man then said "Why don't you have a drink now and then you can return to your preaching".
The nun said "Well I might try one. I hear women normally drink gin. Could you bring me out one in a cup as I don't want people to see me holding a glass".
The man continued on into the bar and said to the barman "Could I have a pint of Guinness and a double gin in a cup".
The barman replied "Is that bloody nun back again?"
 

Dun Ringill

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Guy Named Sue

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An Irishman walked into a bar with a steering wheel for a belt buckle. He bellied up the the bar to order his pint when the bartender asked him if he knew he had a steering wheel attached to him. The Irishman replied "yes I know, it's driving me nuts!"
 


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