Joke time.

[Caleb]

So a rabbi has a head on collision with a priest. It's bad wreck, with a whole lot of destruction. Both men emerge from their vehicles without a scratch on them.

The rabbi looks at the priest and says, "Wow, a wreck this bad and neither of us are hurt? This must be a miracle from God." The priest agrees, that yes, this must be a miracle.

The rabbi then notices the priest's collar and says, "I see you're a priest! This can't be a coincidence! This must be God's way of bringing our two religions together, to bring more people to His glory!" Again, the priest agrees.

The rabbi then notices that the bottle of wine he had in the front seat is not broken. He says, "Look at this! All this destruction, and my bottle of wine didn't even break! This must be God's way of telling us we should share a drink to celebrate His miracle!"

The priest agrees with this, as well. They open the bottle, and the priest drinks about half of it and hands it back to the rabbi. The rabbi puts the cork back in the bottle, and puts it in his pocket.

The priest asks the rabbi, "What are you doing?"

The rabbi says, "Oh, I'm waiting for the police."

 

[Roberteaux]

--R

 

[g60_dave]

Oldy but goldy

 

[Luckynumber3]

That is great!

 

[Chicago John]

Young people never listen. They could benefit from listening to their elders because the older people have a lot more experience. One day a young man went to the top of a cliff, and he was getting ready to jump. He wasn’t' suicidal, he just wanted to experience what it would feel like to jump off a cliff. At the top of the cliff was an old man sitting in a wheelchair and he said to the youngster, "You know, I know why you're up here. Listen, young man, it doesn't pay to experience everything in life. Sometimes you just have to take someone's word for it and listen, especially from people who have been around":The young guy said, "meh, I want to experience things for myself, especially jumping off a cliff," and a second later, he jumped. By some miracle, he survived, and drove his automatic wheelchair up the top of the cliff to see the old man. "I should have listened to you, old man. Especially when I saw you sitting there in a wheelchair" The old man looked a little puzzled "kid, I just use this chair for panhandling and you jumped right before I was going to ask you for some money"

 

[Caleb]

 

[Iron Blimp]

Hey, you hear about the canibal who passed his brother in the woods?

 

[Hawiian2]

Hey, you hear about the canibal who passed his brother in the woods?

I Love it!

 

[Caleb]

I happened to watch an episode of the Sopranos the other night. Uncle Junior is sitting in a cafe with his guys and he says, "Did you hear about the Chinese godfather? He made 'em an offer they couldn't understand."

I don't know why I thought that was so funny, but I laughed my ass off.

 

[Pennyman]

Rumor in the pasture was that the rancher was getting a new bull. His three bulls were discussing this pending event.

"I've been here for five years and have earned my keep. I service 100 cows and won't be giving any up to some new comer," boasts bull number one.

"Well, sir, I've been here for three years and have 30 cows to keep happy. I'm doing a good job and don't need any help from outsiders," says bull number two.

The youngest and smallest of the three bulls chimes in, "Well, even though I'm the youngest, you have allowed me my 10 cows and I'm not gonna give any of that up now!"

About that time, up pulls an 18-wheeler, and off thunders the biggest, meanest, strongest bull the three had ever seen.

"Well, maybe 100 cows are too many. I'm getting along in years and could use some help. He can have 50 of my cows." Says bull number one.

"I'm still young and want to fool around a bit. 50 cows are not worth dying over. He can have 20 of my cows." Agrees bull two.

Bull three lowers his head, starts snorting and pawing the earth like a wild demon. Bull two looks at him and says, "Are you crazy, he'll kill you and take your cows!"

"Heck, he can HAVE my cows," replies bull three, "I just want to make sure he knows that I'M A BULL!"

 

[Roberteaux]

Did you hear about the peanut walking through an alley?

He was a salted.

--R

 

[Roberteaux]

Little Johnny is eight years old and is driving mom nuts, so she tells him to go outside and watch the carpenters across the street as they build a new house. He comes back in a couple of hours later and she says, "Did you have fun over there?"

He says, "Hell no I didn't have no fvcking fun, you dumb bitch! First that sh*thead Larry came in hung over, and he fell off the scaffold and busted his wrist-- the stupid bastard. After that, the fvcking foreman got all pissed off about it. So he's acting like a son of a bitch and raising hell with everybody until George finally kicked his ass. What a shi*ty day!"

Horrified, mom sends Johnny to his room. Dad comes home and mom tells dad about Johnny's bad language. So dad goes to Johnny and asks the boy to repeat what he said to his mother. Johnny spits it out all over again, word for word...

Dad is outraged. He yells, "Young man, I want you to go outside and fetch me a switch!"

And Johnny says, "Like hell I will, you fvcking as*hole! That's an ELECTRICIAN'S job!"

--R