Have I overreacted as a mom of a teen?

[Gunner]

Did you overreact? Only you can answer that one. I'm close to your son's age. My hair was getting exceptionally long and started to be the cause of heated discussions between my Mom and I. She wanted me to cut it short. I wanted to leave it the way it was. In the end, I cut it short. The reason? My Mom was hurt by it and I figured it's only hair and it will grow back and I knew it would bring peace back to the Family. I love my Mom and didn't want to hurt her. In the end, it's really no biggie. It's just hair. There are so many more important things in life to be concerned about and valuable time should not be wasted on something as trivial as that.

 

[Lyrica]

who's hair is it? who has to be the one to get the weird looks and the catcalls and the name calling?

i think you overreacted to everything but that lack of permission and the adults not asking you about it. kids, especially teenagers, need to have some control over their own lives. they are growing up and will soon be on their own. if you've taken care of everything and made all the decisions, when they are suddenly on their own, either in college or whatever, how are they supposed to make their own decisions?

instead of making the decisions for them, help them learn how to make the decisions that are best for them. (oh, that's key, for them, not for you)[not that i am saying that is what you have been doing by any means)

anyway, i have never been a parent, and never will. and by the time i was 12 i knew my parents were the enemy. so take everything i say about parenting and kids with a grain of salt

 

[mikemack]

Hair grows back, if he likes it let him have it. Im sure you were shocked and he should have asked but, if he had asked would you have let him do it? My son asked me for one when he was 10 and I said no. Why did I say no? Because I didnt like it. Then I thought about it and said go for it. He grined ear to ear and all the kids liked it. He eventually got tired of it and let it grow.(now he doesnt want it cut)

 

[VictorB]

First off, I'd find the guy that encouraged this and did the shaving and kick the living shit out of him. Who is he to do something like that to a minor? Without consulting the kid's parent first?

Second of all, it's just hair and will grow back. Or you could buzz the whole thing. I'd be more concerned with this adult that's taken a "special" interest in your son.

 

[Over under Sideways out]

I think you over reacted big time, He is 15 let him develop his own style and way of thinking allot of parents like to beat their kids over the head telling them what to believe in and how they should dress and so on but at the end it backfires just look at people like Michael Jackson his father dictated his life and he came out emotionally and mentally scarred.

 

[fatb0t]

It's hair. It grows back. Relax, he's a kid.

Hahah this is coming from a guy with purple hair when I was in middle school though so, I might be a bit jaded.

When I came home with purple hair my mom just looked at me, the way only your mother can and said "You look retarded". That was it. I cut it off when I was sick of it and never did it again.

 

[snaredrum]

my ma was always kind of bemused by my teen haircuts. she knew i'd do what i needed to do self image wise as i've been disabled since i was 3 and have had self worth problems throughout. we both had the agreement that haircuts don't matter (although we both preferred long hair, in the end) and if i got tattoos, nothing stupid and none below the elbow til i left home. i'm 30 now and she still won't let me get my knuckles tattooed, curse her.

funnily enough, when i was at university (college?) i had a short mohawk like your son's cut in, and my girlfriend at the time (a muslim) hated it so much she got the shaver out and turned me into a skinhead. a non racist skinhead, of course

 

[-=[Shifty]=-]

....Usually he doesn't like mohawks, so it shocked me even more.

Well, when I read your OP I wanted to tell you that you overreacted but then you wrote that line. That clearly stated that he ONLY did it for the others or under the pressure of the others and that's plain wrong.
You should always stay true to yourself, no matter if others approve of it or not.

That beeing said, he will still stay the great kid he is, mohawk or not!

 

[Lyrica]

I think you over reacted big time, He is 15 let him develop his own style and way of thinking allot of parents like to beat their kids over the head telling them what to believe in and how they should dress and so on but at the end it backfires just look at people like Michael Jackson his father dictated his life and he came out emotionally and mentally scarred.

i don't know about the "big time". it is natural for her to be concerned. if he's just being a sheep, maybe that should be pointed out to him. and that adult who did it without even calling her, well, i would have a serious talk about/with him and the pastoral leadership.

 

[b-squared]

Lincoln Brewster's style of haircut is called a faux-hawk...the Mohawk look without the shave.

Personally I think you over-reacted just a bit. Kids all over my neighborhood get Mohawks for the summer; it's a fad haircut that will grow out before school starts again.

I do think a talk may be in order about peer-pressure and how to deal with it, but the haircut itself? NO BIG DEAL.

One thing that struck me; you'd rather have your son look like a skin-head (Neo-nazi fascist) instead of a 'tough'...really? I think you over-stated that a bit. I think 'the Telly Savales look' may have been a better example.

Every kid gets a Mohawk at one time in their life--it's a chance to do something that's kind of wild, but it still very safe.

Instead, be grateful that he's 1) at a church camp, 2) was comfortable enough to tell you about it, and 3) instead of experimenting with hair could have been experimenting with crack cocaine.

Just my 2 cents, as a non-father-but-Christian-guy.

BB

[Edit--One thing I wanted to add...if you've never been to camp for the summer, it's a very 'tribal' thing anyway; being at a church camp it's even more so, because you have spirituality involved. The Mohawk also serves as a unifying feature, much like a military uniform...it makes all of us the same, therefore we feel more comfortable in the environment. But still, it's mostly just fun to cut your hair funny.]

 

[SKATTERBRANE]

So you are a Brit in "tornado alley"? Well, middle American and the south are generally less tolerant. So, it does not suprise me that he gets picked on in school. I went to 8 different schools growing up, I have lived all over the US, as I continued to move once I was on my own. Many places in the US, if you do not SOUND like you come from the area, you are an outsider and treated like shit. Maybe you live in Oklahoma? In OK they STOP at the end of the on ramp entering the freeway. That is all you need to know to NEVER live in Oklahoma. They are PROUD of being "Sooners" people who illegally settled and claimed land.

 

[SKATTERBRANE]

Sooners - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[zplapplap]

From your posting on here, I would bet that you are a cool Mom and it sounds like you have a good relationship with your son. But, my first thought is that this is an overreaction. We're talking about hair, not tattoos or piercings. Conformity issues aside for a moment, there is a time and place for edgy hairstyles. Why not allow, or better yet, step aside and let him choose now. He will be making his own decisions soon enough. Shelter him too much, and the risks of shipping a teen off to college who can't make good independent decision increases substantially.

At some point, teenagers need to be allowed to develop a sense of individual identity. Hairstyle, choice of clothing, choice of hobbies, friends, and extra-curricular activities are ways in which teens can begin to make choices for themselves. I'm not a parent, so I don't want to say too much, but your influence on a high school age teenager will need to be more limited than it was during earlier years. It seems to me that the last thing you would want is to have someone go off to college and call home asking if they can get a haircut. In a few short years, he will have to make all of these choices for himself. Too much control might get some decisions going your way now, but I see a real danger in creating ineffectual young adults if there is too much control.

 

[Ed B]

take a moment or two to slap the shit out of the adult chaperone that provoked this stunt.

+1000!!!

 

[LongBeach]

I think you handled that just fine Harmony.
Stick to your guns, dont second guess yourself
unless something went horribly wrong with your original decision.
(IMO - that's how I address my son) He got a mohawk, bummer, but
like you noted, it will grow back. And you made your point clear.

 

[Harmony]

Thank you all for your comments on this, it has given me some things to think about
There were some comments I think that were taken out of context or rather misunderstood why I was upset.

I just had a call from the Youth Director. She apologized and wanted to make it clear on what actually happened.
She told the youth that they had to get approval off their parents first. She said that if they knew their parents would not approve, then don't have it done.
She said that those who did consider having a haircut said no way my mum would kill me. Her words.
At first the haircuts talked about was a flat top and alike, but she did feel that this haircut was a bit more daring so to speak.

She had words with my son today, saying he should have explained that she did not approve like he told me. He told her a white lie and he tried to make out to me that the leaders were all in approval..which of course they were not. They felt that if I was ok with it, then all is ok.

Now let's get to the bottom of why he had it done. No, he didn't do it to have some individuality, or because he really wanted that haircut or any haircut (he just had a haircut few days ago).

You see, in past 2 camp trips he had, the 'popular' kids who tend to stick together teased him and gave him a hard time. Throwing things at him, tripping him up, hoping to get reaction from him and because they were bored or something.

Just because these kids go to church doesn't mean they are any better than kids that don't go. Believe me they can be really nasty. After all these same kids go to same school as him, they may behave a bit better at church sometimes but they can get rowdy and wow do they curse or say inappropriate things.
When he has been bullied, the church leaders have stepped in and spoke to the kids about it. But kids will be kids, church are not there to parent the kids after all, but to show them guidance.

So my son did this in hoping some of the guys would think he was cool for having it done, and because 2 of the adults had it done, he will look cooler.

I however did misunderstand what he told me, I missed something he said (as some moms/women do lol)..he was planning on having it shaved off before he got home.

BB.. I said skinhead look as I don't know what else to call it. The Youth Director said she thought he was having a Bur? Well it sounds like that word anyway lol

My son has had various of styles in the past, when he wanted to have a birdnest kind of hair, I accepted it (he said all the kids had it back then), he wanted small highlights at one time.. I caved in and said ok..but he took it a step further and lied to the guy saying I allowed him to have highlights all over his hair, which turned out bad, looked more like some bird shit on his head (white) or a skunk lol
He learned his lesson there.

Yes some would say I am a cool mum. His friends and those who know me often say they wish their mum was like me or even wish I was their mum.
I don't shelter my son, far from it. I want to make sure he sees reality, that he has his own opinions not what others think he should have, and that not to let others persuade him to do things he doesn't want to do..like doing things just to fit in etc..

I have even talked to him about subjects that a lot of parents stay clear from. Sex, gay/lesbians, abortions and subjects like that.
He asks I will talk to him about it, or I make sure that he knows he can feel comfortable in talking to me about anything and not be ashamed to tell me something.

There was even one time we talked about 2 of his classmates being gay but too scared to tell their parents. They talked to my son about it because my son is open minded and kids tend to find my son easy to talk to. (he is like a counselor to many).
I said to my son that if he told me he was gay, I would love and accept him no matter what and I hoped that their parents would feel the same.

That is how open and close me and my son are. I don't want to shelter him, I don't want him to be scared not to come to me about things. I may not agree with everything but that is what parents are supposed to do. We can't let our kids do as they please or they will think we don't care and they may think we might not care what bad choices they make in life.

I think I balance well, he has his head on right, and I hope he keeps it that way.
He is vulnerable right now and I just felt that doing something like this just because of others, knowing he doesn't like mohawks usually, made me panic.

If he was home things may have been different, but knowing he was away with the church, I thought I wouldnt' come across something like this lol

Yes it is only hair, but it was why he did it. Apparently even the 28yr old called his mum for approval first. My son said it was because he still lived at home. oh dear.

My son makes mistakes, I hope he learns from them. Lying to the Youth director was bad though, he has apologized for that.

All is well though, he isn't upset with how I felt, he said I was right and he shouldn't have done it for the wrong reasons.

Thank you everyone, I will try and think before getting upset with him next time..I am sure there will be a next time, he is a teen lol

 

[Lyrica]

very cool harmony

 

[circusboy28]

Thank you for sharing this stuff with us Harmony......and also thanks to everyone who posted. As a parent of teenagers myself it feels good to get a wide variety of opinions and information, including some from teenagers themselves.

Apart from the guitar stuff obviously, threads like this one are a big reason why I like the MLP Forum so much. You would not get a thread like this anywhere on most other music forums. Thanks again for this OP & posters.

.........and I didn't even post about my daughter Ali wanting me to pay for her to get a tattoo on her 16th birthday. That one ended in tears, believe me!! She's 18 now (Ali & Riley are twins) and she still doesn't have any tattoos............

 

[Marshall Arts]

Am I the only one who thinks teens should have the right to express and personalize themselves? It's a haircut. Not a tattoo.

No bad feelings OP, but he is 15. In a year he'll be old enough to drive a car (or 3 years if he travels to Europe).

That's just my opinion. But by all means. You're not a bad mother or anything. It's you right to disapprove the haircut. I just don't like it when parents suppress their kid's styles and personality. Especially not in that age when they start to identify themselves and finding out who they are.

 

[Harmony]

I agree Circusboy, I needed a variety of opinions, hence why I posted.
I also wanted to hear from teenagers themselves, because even though I was one myself once, it is good to hear what teens think in today's time.
Thank you too for your input.

I have to admit though that I think having daughters is even scarier. I think I may be a bit more protective..and the mixed hormones similar to mine would clash somewhat lol

My son has told me he doesn't want to ever get a tattoo..but what we prefer at one age group, may not be what we prefer or like when we are older.
Thankfully I haven't come across that one yet.. I feel for you.
I have said to my son that when he leaves home he can make those kind of decisions for himself, but while I do have somewhat of an influence on him, I try my best to guide him or as a parent do what I feel is best.
It is hard being a parent of a teen, a lot more to think about and having to realize they are growing up and flying the nest soon to that big wide world full of things.

I look at him sometimes and see a young man, taller than me, hairs on his legs, deeper voice, and now he is the one shouting at me to get out of his room lol
I can't believe how much he has changed this past year or so. I'm blessed to have a good kid and to have a good relationship with him.

Thank you all again. Us mums makes mistakes too lol