From another thread due to be nuked soon... Gig fouls and fees

TheX

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I have, and will violate quite a few of those. I play classical in shorts and flip-flops. Usually somewhere, doing something else and someone decides I should play for them. It's easiest just to do it.
 

Zungle

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There's a thread here in the backstage that's bound to get nuked by O-drunk thirty, but it made me think about something. Mostly redheads with large... Sorry, wrong forum.

Dumb shit people do on stage. Yeah, that's what it was.
There are just some things that shouldn't be done on stage. Period. End of story. Full stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.

  • wearing shorts on stage $20.00
  • wearing a baseball cap on stage $25.00
  • wearing white socks on stage $20.00
  • wearing sandals on stage $30.00
  • white sneakers on stage, especially New Balance $20.00
  • wearing dirty sneakers on stage, any brand $20.00
  • flip flops $40.00
  • wearing sunglasses on stage $20.00
  • wearing a stocking cap/wool beanie onstage $25.00
  • wearing a sports jersey on stage. Canadians wearing hockey sweaters during hockey season excepted $45.00
  • wearing dirty clothes on stage $30.00
  • looking like you're the dishwasher $35.00
  • wearing a polo or golf shirt on stage $30.00
  • wearing khaki pants on stage $30.00
  • wearing a polo or golf shirt with khaki pants on stage $50.00
  • ain't even gonna talk about socks with sandals $75.00
  • keeping a clip-on tuner on the headstock when not actually tuning $20.00
  • not having a pedal tuner in the first place $20.00
  • tuning so the rest of the band can hear you $25.00
  • 'warming up' on stage $30.00
  • tuning so the fucking audience can hear you $35.00
  • noodling on stage $25.00
  • guitar strap too low $20.00
  • guitar strap too high $30.00
  • shitty (as in unreliable) gear $35.00
  • not showing up with enough time to do a soundcheck $40.00
  • too much gear $25.00
  • cringy stage banter ('lemme hear you out there' to a crowd of 15) $25.00
  • telling jokes on stage $35.00
  • making a pun on stage $50.00 and loss of mic privileges for 3 gigs
  • not knowing the tunes/using charts on a music stand on stage $150.00

all fees to be collected and held in trust for the next time the van breaks down. Or the PA takes a shit again.

Meh....these guys have made a career out of all your shit........

 

Freddy G

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  • not knowing the tunes/using charts on a music stand on stage $150.00
I mixed FOH in a rock club for 3 nights a week for a few years. This band was booked regularly and the chick lead singer had a big music stand in front of her with the lyrics. Every gig....for years. The DJ finally lost it (he was a big biker dude) grabbed all the lyrics off the stand before they started one night....took them to the back parking lot and burned them. lol...
 

cjpeck

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I mixed FOH in a rock club for 3 nights a week for a few years. This band was booked regularly and the chick lead singer had a big music stand in front of her with the lyrics. Every gig....for years. The DJ finally lost it (he was a big biker dude) grabbed all the lyrics off the stand before they started one night....took them to the back parking lot and burned them. lol...
I've got an ipad off to the side of the stage, but that's running the mix when there's no slider monkey and my IEM mix. Other side of the stage there's another that's running an appletv dongle that gets plugged into the venue's tv line to project pictures and video relating to the tunes. A couple times a set the lyrics get tossed up for some of the old classic Irish pub tunes so the drunks can sing along. Works out great.
But charts on a stand/ipad on mic stand? GTFO.
 

SteveC

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On the "baseball cap".... if you wear one backwards - you deserve a kick in the c*nt. Repeatedly.

In fact, that should be illegal in public <period>

You look like the douche-bag that you are. And, if you are "sporting a goat", well then, you are a supreme douche-bag. Take off the fucking backwards hat and pretend you are fucking normal.
 

Larry8016

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I saw a girl singer with an ipad on her mic stand actually flipping through the pages while singing the 26 I know, I know, I know part of Bill Withers' "Ain't No Sunshine":facepalm:
 

NotScott

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I have never worn shorts, sandals, khakis, polo shirts or other "dad band attire" on a stage. Around here, whenever you see a band with someone in "the uniform", it almost always means you will be in for a heavy dose of Credence, Doors, Petty, Clapton and a host of other lame classic rock cliches played poorly and out of tune and often on a PRS or other high dollar instrument. That being said, I have been guilty of sunglasses at outside gigs, once at a NYE gig and for some promo pics when I was 19.

One thing that irritated me when I was hosting open mics was singers walking up and asking us to do a song while they read the lyrics from their phone or tablet. This goes for anyone pro or not, if you are reading the lyrics, you are not singing and you certainly don't know the song. Come back on karaoke night.

I am sure I can come up with a lot more gig fouls. Maybe it was the market and time I grew up in or maybe I am just getting old and cynical, but if you are a local act getting paid to put on a show for people, your audience deserves to be entertained, by what they hear and what they see. Watching someone dressed like their neighbor cutting grass while poorly playing banal covers is jut not a successful business plan.
 

NotScott

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These guys would like a word:

And the next time I see them tipping a few pints at the local pub and then staggering up to the stage with notes in hand and asking us if we know "you know, that Nirvana song that goes like do do da da do", I will be happy to have that conversation with them. At least the conversation would be entertaining. :laugh2:
 

bum

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Someone proudly sporting a Gibson cap will always get a chortle from me, it's like those dudes who drive a 1993 C Class and wear Mercedes bomber jackets :D
Also, any of the jokey t shirts are funny as well 'When I die don't let me wife sell my guitars for what I told her I paid for them' on a t shirt is not very rock n roll my dude
 

LtDave32

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You guys got it all wrong.

Don't like the attire like shorts and baggy shirts and ball caps?

How bout I put a 300 lb , half bald front man up there in spandex?

You'll be begging for baggy shorts and ball caps.
 

Fiat Lux

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On the "baseball cap".... if you wear one backwards - you deserve a kick in the c*nt. Repeatedly.

In fact, that should be illegal in public <period>

You look like the douche-bag that you are. And, if you are "sporting a goat", well then, you are a supreme douche-bag. Take off the fucking backwards hat and pretend you are fucking normal.
This times ten thousand....

The man who doesn’t look like a total dick in a baseball cap worn backwards (on stage, in public, anywhere) hasn’t yet been born.

So the answer to the question is always “No, you don’t look cool... you look like a stupid, pretentious dickwad, who deserves to be kicked in the c*nt. Repeatedly”.

cheers.
 

SteveC

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And, to be clear, I have nothing against a "goat". In fact, on some men, it really looks good. Unless, it's all gray-beard and/or stubble-beard - then there's a c*nt in need of a (repeated) kick!
 

cjpeck

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I think wearing Croc's onstage should also be a no-no
Wearing Crocs on stage $65.00


And the next time I see them tipping a few pints at the local pub and then staggering up to the stage with notes in hand and asking us if we know "you know, that Nirvana song that goes like do do da da do", I will be happy to have that conversation with them. At least the conversation would be entertaining. :laugh2:

My grandfather was fucking around with the piano at a bar in NYC before the war, he'd headed down into the city with his brother Bill for the weekend. They were trying to pick up a couple Brooklyn girls so ol' grandad slid behind the piano and played his version of 'Rhapsody In Blue'. No report if the girls were impressed or not, but that may be because my Grandma was possible within earshot.
Anyways, R.I.B. finished, fresh drinks on the way, and Grandad heads to the back to take a leak. He's taking care of business when a guy steps up to the urinal next to him and commits The Sin. He speaks to my Grandfather when both of them have things 'in hand'.
Dude says "you played that pretty well, but you should relax and be a little more free with the tempo. I felt you rushed a bit at times".
Grandad thinks "WTF??" and looks over.
It's George Gershwin.
 


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