From another thread due to be nuked soon... Gig fouls and fees

[Chango Malo]

There's a thread here in the backstage that's bound to get nuked by O-drunk thirty, but it made me think about something. Mostly redheads with large... Sorry, wrong forum.

Dumb shit people do on stage. Yeah, that's what it was.
There are just some things that shouldn't be done on stage. Period. End of story. Full stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.

• wearing shorts on stage $20.00
• wearing cargo shorts on stage $40.00
• wearing a baseball cap on stage $25.00
• wearing a baseball cap backwards on stage $45.00
• wearing white socks on stage $20.00
• wearing sandals on stage $30.00
• white sneakers on stage, especially New Balance $20.00
• wearing dirty sneakers on stage, any brand $20.00
• flip flops $40.00
• wearing sunglasses on stage $20.00
• wearing a stocking cap/wool beanie onstage $25.00
• wearing a sports jersey on stage. Canadians wearing hockey sweaters during hockey season excepted $45.00
• wearing dirty clothes on stage $30.00
• looking like you're the dishwasher $35.00
• wearing a polo or golf shirt on stage $30.00
• wearing khaki pants on stage $30.00
• wearing a polo or golf shirt with khaki pants on stage $50.00
• ain't even gonna talk about socks with sandals $75.00
• keeping a clip-on tuner on the headstock when not actually tuning $20.00
• not having a pedal tuner in the first place $20.00
• tuning so the rest of the band can hear you $25.00
• 'warming up' on stage $30.00
• tuning so the fucking audience can hear you $35.00
• noodling on stage $25.00
• guitar strap too low $20.00
• guitar strap too high $30.00
• shitty (as in unreliable) gear $35.00
• not showing up with enough time to do a soundcheck $40.00
• too much gear $25.00
• cringy stage banter ('lemme hear you out there' to a crowd of 15) $25.00
• telling jokes on stage $35.00
• making a pun on stage $50.00 and loss of mic privileges for 3 gigs
• not knowing the tunes/using charts on a music stand on stage $250.00

all fees to be collected and held in trust for the next time the van breaks down. Or the PA takes a shit again.

 

[Olds442]

so you want me to play neked and out of tune?


winning! that's the only thing i'm good at.

 

[HardCore Troubadour]

I will let you go for warming up/noodling/tuning out loud on stage.

guys with high guitar straps are usually the better players.

true story.

 

[Meatwad]

What's your stance on capes?

 

[Fracture]

tl; dr

 

[DotStudio]

There's a thread here in the backstage that's bound to get nuked by O-drunk thirty, but it made me think about something. Mostly redheads with large... Sorry, wrong forum.

Dumb shit people do on stage. Yeah, that's what it was.
There are just some things that shouldn't be done on stage. Period. End of story. Full stop. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.00.

• wearing shorts on stage $20.00

• wearing a baseball cap on stage $25.00

• wearing white socks on stage $20.00

• wearing sandals on stage $30.00

• white sneakers on stage, especially New Balance $20.00

• wearing dirty sneakers on stage, any brand $20.00

• flip flops $40.00
• wearing sunglasses on stage $20.00

• wearing a stocking cap/wool beanie onstage $25.00

• wearing a sports jersey on stage. Canadians wearing hockey sweaters excepted $45.00

I don't feel like continuing.

• wearing dirty clothes on stage $30.00
• looking like you're the dishwasher $35.00
• wearing a polo or golf shirt on stage $30.00
• wearing khaki pants on stage $30.00
• wearing a polo or golf shirt with khaki pants on stage $50.00
• ain't even gonna talk about socks with sandals $75.00
• keeping a clip-on tuner on the headstock when not actually tuning $20.00
• not having a pedal tuner in the first place $20.00
• tuning so the rest of the band can hear you $25.00
• 'warming up' on stage $30.00
• tuning so the fucking audience can hear you $35.00
• noodling on stage $25.00
• guitar strap too low $20.00
• guitar strap too high $30.00
• shitty (as in unreliable) gear $35.00
• not showing up with enough time to do a soundcheck $40.00
• too much gear $25.00
• cringy stage banter ('lemme hear you out there' to a crowd of 15) $25.00
• telling jokes on stage $35.00
• making a pun on stage $50.00 and loss of mic privileges for 3 gigs
• not knowing the tunes/using charts on a music stand on stage $150.00

all fees to be collected and held in trust for the next time the van breaks down. Or the PA takes a shit again.

 

[Chango Malo]

What's your stance on capes?

wearing a cape on stage $40.00 exceptions made for George Clinton when high.
wearing a cape on stage if you're Rick Wakeman $35.00

 

[VictorB]

Never tell puns on stage, it leads to treble.

 

[Fiat Lux]

cheers.

 

[Chango Malo]

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cheers.

only two of those guys get a pass.

and you ain't one of 'em

 

[Chango Malo]

Never tell puns on stage, it leads to treble.

you is really gettin' on mah nerves today, boy.

 

[DavGrape]

Egad; Clapton at the cookout is the funniest.

 

[dc007]

so you want me to play neked and out of tune?


winning! that's the only thing i'm good at.

They tell me I did that once in the 70's

 

[Chango Malo]

Egad; Clapton at the cookout is the funniest.

really rams the point home, don't he? I bet he's even wearin' white socks and sandals at that show.

 

[six-string]

butchering your own tunes onstage should be on that list..LOL.

 

[Jymbopalyse]

 

[Thunder Dump]

• Chewing gum $25.00
• Having to lean your guitar up against your amp during breaks because you're too cheap/forgetful/hip to bring a guitar stand $50.00
• Using an iPad for anything other than FOH mixing $100.00

 

[six-string]

• Using an iPad for anything other than FOH mixing $100.00

i saw a band where the backup singer used an ipad to display the lyrics to the song she was singing. had it strapped to the mic stand and covered with a scarf. i laughed anyway...

 

[Bill Hicklin]

wearing dirty sneakers on stage, any brand $20.00

Except punk bands. For them, it's part of the uniform if they aren't wearing combat boots.

 

[Vortex]