Confessions of a husband and father-serious content-

Blues4U

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I have no clue why I am compelled to write this, let alone why I would ever post it on a public internet forum where I have only actually met a handful of the members-Maybe it's guilt, maybe it's self pity, maybe it's wishful thinking and that our story will help somebody in some way-


I guess I am writing this with the hopes that it will be sort of a public service announcement for the masses. I will give a brief personal history of my life prior to being married at age 25, then I will get into the details of my life post marriage and the beginning of our family-


My parents got divorced when I was around 4-not exactly sure when, and it really doesn’t matter. They should have never been married as they were oil and water. My father was a mean S.O.B. as a young man and my mother wasn’t much better. He was a wife beater, she was an antagonist/war monger that could possible drive a priest to give her a beating—As you can see, this is not a match made in heaven.


There were a lot of gaps in my family life that didn’t make sense as a kid, but it was all I knew and didn’t start to figure things out until I was an adult.


My dad wasn’t much of a dad to me, as he is one of the most selfish humans I have known. He was never physically mean to me, as I truly only remember getting 2, maybe 3 spankings from him my entire childhood, and frankly, I deserved them all, and then some.


My mom seemed like a good enough parent on the surface, she worked hard, most times multiple jobs, and many of those at night—mostly because my father never paid any child support. My mom did use me as a weapon with my dad, and with most of my family, it just took me being an adult before I figured out the rest of the family deal. Between the age of 4 and 9, I cannot count how many houses I lived in and different schools I attended. I literally mean I cannot remember them all. I do remember telling a friend that when I was 22 I remembered 22 different houses I lived in, and that wasn’t all of them, just the ones I remembered. That in its on right is pretty screwed up.


Looking back, my mother was always at war with somebody in her or my family. She was always estranged from a brother, a sister, an aunt, a grandmother or a parent. Pay attention here, as this will come into play when I start talking about my oldest daughter later on.


My mom had a smattering of boyfriends between me being 4 and me being 9, when she started dating and married my stepfather. My stepfather was truly the first guy to ever treat me like a son. He was a good guy, treated me like I was at least as important as he was to himself and for many years, we enjoyed a good relation, all the way into my adulthood.


My stepdad was a journeyman lineman and the mid mid to late 70’s brought a lot of economic turmoil to North Western Ohio where we lived, so he started job hunting around the country and eventually settled on southern Indiana, where his work was plentiful. So half way through my 7th grade year, my mom and step dad moved me and our dogs to southern Indiana, into the middle of Amish country. That was a culture shock, to say the least. Not a huge deal if things would have been handled properly, but see, remember me saying my mom was a war monger—well, she conveniently saw to it that she was estranged from all of her family that were left alive, both of her parents had died a few years earlier, but we won’t get into those gory details. Any way, my mother moved me 400 miles from any family and saw to it that I had zero contact with either side of my family for years—


Fast forward many years to me getting married at age 25 to my current, well only wife. Mrs B4U and I had been married in Sept 1990 and chose to have our first child a couple years later. Our first born, a beautiful daughter was born in January of 1993. We had some complications during birthing and ended up having an emergency C section as things were getting ugly. Mother and baby seemed fine afterwards and we were all happy. My first born was beautiful and smart as a whip. She learned to walk and talk early and was the first grand child and everybody fawned all over her.


She seemed like a prodigy from birth until her sister was born at age 4. Then we started having some odd behavior problems but we worked through them. About the time our oldest turned 7, she was showing a little more not so pleasant behavior difficulties, but she was getting good grades, was still smart as heck and a good kid for the most part. Half way through her second grade in school it was as if one day you just flipped a switch and this kid became the mother of all problem children. It was so sudden and bizarre that I started thinking maybe she had had some sort of traumatic experience such as molestation. The behavior and the outburst and the resentment she was showing towards her younger sister was not normal and worrisome. She once tried to push her little sister’s stroller out in front of a car at a shopping center. Like I said. Not Normal.


We had dealt with this every way possible and it was getting worse so we sought out a councilor/ psychologist. We played the typical games with the metal health industry for years. Not a place with more voodoo and witch craft than the mental health profession, trust me when I tell you this-I dealt with them for 10 years.


For a couple of years, during adolescence, my daughter had a therapist that actually got somewhere. This woman was good and tough and a hard ass, but my daughter liked her, opened up to her. This lasted for a while, then the shit started hitting the fan. Her second sibling was born, a brother, she really didn’t like having him around and things got worse. She started making threats towards her siblings, and now was old enough and big enough to actually follow through. Try sleeping at night when your oldest child has made death threats towards you other children. She would have maniacal outburst and tantrums to the point that it was as if she was possessed. I am serious, this shit was getting weird. Tantrums like a 3 year old-banging her head on the wall, the floor, etc. During these years, we had been to many different doctors, therapist, she had been put on all sorts of medicine as she had been diagnosed ADD-ADHD-Oppositional Defiant Syndrome-Bi-polar and a host of other stuff—(refer to my note about this profession based on opinion, not science) When she was a freshman in HS she came home one day and told her mom “well, I did it. I finally did it! I am going to get you and dad in trouble. I went to school and told them everything. I told them how you tried to kill my dad with a knife last night. And how I am afraid to live here” Now first things first-None of this shit ever happened-NONE of IT!


No I am jumping back and forth, but I have intentionally not been telling all of the crap we, as a family had been through. But there were tough financial times for us as a family, and a bought of “credit carditis from my wife, which caused us to file bankruptcy, which was also the cause of a lot of discontent and anger from the man of the house ME-and the kids heard more arguing and bickering than they should have had to, but it happened and I take full responsibility for my stupid ass actions. There were many poor parenting choices by us both, as frankly, no body ever expects to deal with the stuff we were dealing with and nobody ever writes a book to tell you how to deal with this stuff, trust me. During this time, we had to admit our daughter for observation and evaluation for 48 hours at a juvenile, mental health facility, as she was threatening harm to herself, her siblings and was actively hurting herself. It was the most horrific 48 hours of my life. And I mean this—At one point in my life, I was the victim of a home invasion and, well, lets just say, there were 3 people hell bent on doing me harm, I was the only person that walked away from that encounter. This event with my daughter was far more stressful than that. I have never been so numb, and distraught in my entire life.


Anyway, back to this discovery of my daughter intentionally going to school and telling lies in order to get even for some perceived injustice. Her plan may have worked accept for a couple of things. First off, our neighbor is the chief of police and a friend of mine. He had been aware of these problems for some time as he had been down to the house to take her to school when she would refuse to go etc. We had talked with him and his wife, who is a nurse at a facility for troubled youth-so we would pick their brains and try to get meaningful advice.


Anyway, lucky for us, he was the officer that actually took the call from the school to investigate this, or we very well may have had all 3 kids taken from us, and spent thousands in lawyer fees too. The Chief told the school that there had been a history of this child making these sort of threats towards us in the past, which was true. She had told me several times that she would go to the school and tell them she was abused and they would take her away and allow her to live with one of her friends and their family-(odd I know, but kids don’t always think things through) Once when she told me this, I explained that if she ever did this, they would probably take all 3 kids away and it would be traumatic for her little brother and sister and it would cost thousands of dollars in lawyer fees and truthfully, I only would have enough money to get 2 kids back and which two would she think I would get back? (just a little sick humor that I would use at times to get her thinking rationally-it usually worked)


Anyway, while this investigation was being conducted, un known to us, my daughter grew impatient with the seeming lack of progress, so when she told her story to three different investigators, it got a little better and wilder with each one---Well, those of us in the know, know, any investigators worth their salt know that ever evolving stories usually mean things are not as they appear. Anyway, we spent the second most horrific 48 hours of our lives waiting to see if there were going to be any formal charges or a further investigation done on us—Thankfully, we were absolved of any wrong doing and we were told that our daughter was lying, and they were sure of it, and she eventually admitted to it.


At this point, I had already checked into enrolling our daughter into a specialized school for troubled kids—sort of a working ranch, with chores, to do, fine schools and on site councilors, therapist and doctors, as well as cool things like horses, sailing, hiking etc. I was fully ready to cash in my retirement to make one last chance at helping her through this portion of her life and whatever was causing the problems-


I knew that we had to do something and fast. We couldn’t have a child living with us and being under the threat of this crap every day. I told my wife, we are going to do one of two things. We are going to send her away to the bording school for the remainder of the year, or we can see if she can live with her parents and go to a different school, with different friends and live in a place where she feels secure and has no distractions such as brothers and sisters etc. My inlaws agreed to allow her to stay there with the condition that if she kept doing this shit, she couldn’t- My inlaws were her last best hope at not having to go to a school half way across the country. I explained this to her and she understood.


She went down to a new school, with all new friends and she adjusted well and actually liked it better than her old school, She seemed like she had her act together, I was very proud of her and the time away from each other was actually good. We all were getting over being pissed at each other. She would come home on weekends and she got along with her siblings and her parents, she was starting be a joy to be around, she was turning into what I had hoped for her—A good kid with as normal a life and outlook on life as was possible. She was still on some meds, but these were add meds and a mood stabilizing med. These two things we had found actually did help her live a normal life. Even she admitted that it helped her concentrate in school and control her anger issues.


She was doing so well and had sort of made amends for the BS and we were ready to have her come back home. She had been gone for a couple of months. I explained that it was going to be the end of the semester and it would be the best time for her to come back to her home town and go back to school. She told me she missed all of us, but she really liked going to school there better and she was making better grades and the kids in her new school treated her better and liked her for who she was, there was none of the class warfare crap or social ladder climbing crap-she just liked it better and asked if we would allow her to finish the year there. We asked our inlaws if that would be OK and then we discussed it. I didn’t want her gone for that long, but she asked if we could do that for her, and frankly, she was doing so well, I thought she earned it, if it was what she wanted.

Well, looking back, it was probably the best/worst thing I could have done. It allowed my daughter to get used to being an only child somewhere else. It allowed her to disconnect with her immediate family even further. (all my fault) Then, after the first year, she asked each year after and we eventually allowed her to go all the way through high school living with her grand parents. She came home a lot on the weekends and the summers and the holidays, but we still missed her—But at this point, things were going so well with her at school and in her personal life, we were afraid to mess it up.

Her senior year, she turned 18 in January—This is when the shit hit the fan---I mean big shit and a huge fan. The day she turned 18, she quit taking her meds, cold turkey—Never a good idea. We had tried to wean her off the 2 summers prior, to see how she did, and each time, even she noticed that she couldn’t get by with out them and not have anger/mood issues and stay focused at work etc. But she stopped taking them when she turned 18 and she went to hell in a hand basket and quickly. Goofy, mean ass mood swings, to the point I would be laying in bed and start getting these crazy ass text that were unprovoked telling me what a bastard I was and how she was never going to speak to me again and how her mom wasn’t welcome to help out with her prom and how she didn’t want us at graduation.

This will be a long enough read--So I will break here and post the rest of the story in a few---
 

Gin&Pentatonic

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I don't know that sending her away allowed her to disconnect from anything. From what you've described, your daughter had emotionally disconnected long ago. Being on her own just curbed the outbursts, not the root of the problem. Not to be Captain Obvious, but it sounds like your daughter has some extreme anger issues. The war-mongering I think is a dead give-away of this, as I have a couple of family members (women) who are like this but not to the same extreme. Both of them did the whole therapy thing and it was determined that the root of the problem was anger mis-management that was satisfied by the need to irrationallly "punish" their parents for lord-only-knows.

Watching this stuff unfold for almost 2 decades, it doesn't seem as though it ever really went away. Eventually they found a happy medium in which to relate to their family and it's touch-and-go at best.

Not sure if this is the sort of response you were expecting, but it's what came to mind after reading your story. My son just turned 1 and we had his first birthday party. It was one of the happiest days of my life, looking back at his first year and thinking about the rest of his life. Imagining things declining to the point that things have between you and your daughter scares the ever-living shit out of me and I can't imagine the hell it must be. Damn.
 

Guitarhack

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Brother I feel for you. Mental illness is a difficult thing to deal with. I can't imagine the amount of stress this must have laid upon you and your wife.
 

Blues4U

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During this period in time, my daughter decided she would openly text and drive and when I talked to her about it, she told me “I am 18, once you are 18, in Indiana, it is not against the law to text and drive and I am going to do it.” To which my answer was-You are 18, with no money and no possessions. If you hit a family while texting, they will come after me and my assets, as my name is on your car title and you are running on my insurance. You have two choices, stop texting and driving, or take my name off the title and buy her own insurance-She chose the buy her own insurance route-

I told her to park the car until we made the changes and she had purchased her own insurance-Well, this pissed my mom, my inlaws and everybody else in the family off as they thought I was being to strict—I explained it was my financial stability and the future of my other kids being put at risk by my oldest daughter’s actions and I wasn’t backing down-


Fast forward a few months—My mother had not spoken to me for months, nor seen either of my two youngest kids (remember the warmongering, estrangement tendencies I mentioned) I really think my mother is showing the early signs of dementia, as her grasp on reality is odd to say the least- My in-laws had never wanted to acknowledge my daughter’s mental illness, but they had, at least started to acknowledge that her behavior was not normal and becoming unacceptable. My daughter had started being an ass to her grandparents, my in laws, and it was really bothering me, as in my opinion, she owed these people much-

Anyway, other than my inlaws, who had been living with this crap, but to a lesser degree than my wife and I, my daughter had managed to convince many of the extended family that we were full of crap and none of the stuff we had said about her was true-

Needless to say, family gatherings were uncomfortable to the point where we stopped going to anything other than Christmas and Easter—stuff the kids really wanted to do—
Everytime I would try to call my daughter, text her or make any sort of contact with her, she would threaten to go to the police and tell them I was harassing her—By contact, I mean “hey kid, this is dad, give me a call when you get a chance—Love ya” No BS, no confrontations, just small talk between family members- With her past history of doing stupid crap, when she kept telling me not to contact her or else, well, I figured I would give her some space and allow her to do her own thing and when she felt like it, she could contact me, you know, on HER terms, not on mine- This was one of the hardest things for me to do—you know, leave her alone, not have a damn clue WTF was going on in her life, etc-


Several months went by, then the holidays came, we went to one family event, oldest was there with the boyfriend of the moment—acted like everything was 100% fine—normal as shit, not a problem with anybody-That was cool---next day, we start getting texts making all sorts of bizarre accusations and saying all sorts of mean crap about my wife-This goes on and on and even though I did not want to go to the next family function, as to avoid all this shit, I knew my two youngest would be once again, suffering at the hands of their oldest sibling. So, I went and sucked it up and toughed it out-


My oldest would completely ignore her younger sister and brother, to the point of hanging out with, playing with and having a good time with all of her cousins and their kids and treating her siblings like strangers—This really pisses me off, but I stay calm—even though I really want to raise hell-


One of the scariest traits of my oldest daughter's personality, is the fact that she has no empathy--I mean ZERO-she has no emotional bond with any human-she only cares about herself--there is nobody on the planet that she would take a bullet for, run into a burning house for, protect etc---And when I say nobody, I mean NOBODY---Most people would be appalled if they heard me say this, but it is 100% true- She will use anybody up and spit them out when she is finished and it is very saddening to witness, regardless if you are the victim of her ire, its sad to see it occur.


Fast forward to one month ago-We had left my daughter to her own devices, allowed her to do her own thing and not interfere or even inquire about her goings on-


My wife and I made a pact 2 months ago-We cannot control the actions of our daughter, or any of the other family members that fall in line with her BS---Therefore, we only worry about the 4 humans living in our house and we will do what is best for all of us-We started talking about possibly moving to another part of the country and maybe then, we could start anew and have the life we have tried to live, but were not really afforded the luxury of living-

We had been doing well as a family, we went on a family vacation to the Pacific North West and it was fun and relaxing-We had been on 2 family vacations without our oldest daughter in the past year and a half, and they were the first vacations without any drama or bullshit-They were great trips-
 

Howard2k

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At least you have a reason to play the blues!

Seriously, that is rough. I cannot begin to imagine. I have been through a bunch of shit over the last 7 years and it has literally torn my family apart. But man, I feel for you. Especially being your own flesh and blood, that has to be INCREDIBLY tough to deal with.

As callous as it sounds, especially with no context about my own situation, one thing I can say is that at 18 she is an adult, and I will be damned if I would let my daughter break my family apart in those circumstances. But take that for what it is, an out of context from someone who knows very little about your situation. I have problems with my daughter. I love her very, very, very much, but I will not let her control my life, especially once she reaches that age. And I cannot stress this enough, my situation is not the same, I am not going through the same things you are going through. I am not telling you to kick her to the curb, but I am saying that you need to make sure you are looking at the big picture, which I am sure you are.

EDIT: ok, just saw your new post and those final two paragraphs nail it. I may have done a crap job explaining it, but I know you get the point.
 

Strato

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I feel for you Blues. I've tried to be a loving husband and Father and for the most part I feel my children care a lot for me but a couple of years ago our daughter that's next in line older than Feather told us that she couldn't wait for the day when she could pizz on my grave. She has literally hated me from birth.

I'm not trying to steal your thread so thats all I'll say about that for now.

 

Pinkie

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That has to be hard to even post that but maybe good for you to vent that here.
I can't imagine having to live thru life like that so I don't know what to say but I sure hope things get better.
I had a crazy mother in law that hated me and tried to run me over with her car once.
Tried to hit me over the head with a beer bottle a few times.That isn't anywhere close to what you have been thru.
Sounds like you tried to do what was best for her to the best of your abilities.
If she is 18 maybe cut the strings and say honey you are on your own we tried to help but you don't seem to want help.
That would be so hard to do because she is your child but who knows it might help to shock her into reality.
Acting like that in the real world you won't find too many people that would put up with it.
I hope she straightens up I really do its very sad.I wish the best for you and the rest of the family.Her as well.
 

Kamen_Kaiju

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she sounds like a sociopath.

Sorry you have to deal with that.
 

morrow

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This shit is ****ing royally ****ed up, and sad as hell.
Getting her 100% out of your life as you said is a good way to keep your sanity. Good pact.
...however kicking a female with a mental illness like that out on her own is hella dangerous. It's probably your only choice, but being a female she can whore herself out in various ways to keep on getting what she wants. Be prepared for that. Women take way longer to hit rock bottom (if ever) than men. Especially if they have a bigtime mental illness they refuse to deal with.
 
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Makes my weird little email fraud situation pale in comparison, and makes me thank God for our kids' lack of drama. I can't imagine what I would do in your situation.

You have my best wishes.
 

Kamen_Kaiju

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This shit is ****ing royally ****ed up, and sad as hell.
Getting her 100% out of your life as you said is a good way to keep your sanity. Good pact.
...however kicking a female with a mental illness like that out on her own is hella dangerous. It's probably your only choice, but being a female she can whore herself out in various ways to keep on getting what she wants. Be prepared for that. Women take way longer to hit rock bottom (if ever) than men. Especially if they have a bigtime mental illness they refuse to deal with.

harsh,...but true.
 

Strato

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Morrow you're gonna make Blues feel worse than he already does. Good Gawd have some heart for a brother.
 

Drew224

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I'm sorry, man. I'm familiar with difficult family situations, but I haven't come remotely close to that. Know that your family has my best wishes.
 

Blues4U

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Morrow you're gonna make Blues feel worse than he already does. Good Gawd have some heart for a brother.

Strat--thanks for sticking up for me, but there is nothing, anybody could do or say that could affect how I feel about this situation--and Morrow is 100% correct--All of my fears on this topic are based in someones reality--
 

morrow

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Morrow you're gonna make Blues feel worse than he already does. Good Gawd have some heart for a brother.
Uh, i started by saying this shit was ****ed up and sad....BECAUSE IT IS SAD.
But the truth of the matter is that kicking your kid out or removing them from your life because it might "shake them up" is hardly the case, especially for females.
 
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Uh, i started by saying this shit was ****ed up and sad....BECAUSE IT IS SAD.
But the truth of the matter is that kicking your kid out or removing them from your life because it might "shake them up" is hardly the case, especially for females.

That is sad, but true. I have a sister like that. Not to that extent, but definitely the same behavior.
 

Strato

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I know fellows but it's just such a sad situation and if you do what is best for the other family members it's going to hurt the one that is causing all of the turmoil. On the other hand your hurting the others by not trying to cure this. Damn if you do and damned if you don't.
Morrow, I wasn't trying to be mean to you man. It's just a crazy ride Blues has been taking...... I ain't no counselor so I'll watch and read what the others say. But it won't be fun.
 

morrow

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So she's 18, out on her own. Who is she living with? Does she have a job? With her mental illness how is she able to maintain a job without getting fired?
If she's got nowhere to go and can't get/hold a job, she could hit rock bottom soon.
If she's got brainwashed family helping her out, or has boyfriends (as you mentioned in your post) this could be a long-going event. Best then to steer clear and not approach unless she approaches you, but then it's on YOUR terms; ie---"I would love for you to come crawling back, but here's the rules we play by..."
 

Username1

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I'm sorry to hear that Blues-- it sounds like you've done everything for her that you possibly can though, and that's something to be proud of as a man and father-- you give your all, you were even willing to spend your retirement helping her.

I admire you and your family, and i wish there was something i could say or do to help your daughter, i guess the best i can do is hope that she finds her way someday, but mental illness isn't that cut and dry

feel free to PM me if you ever wanna talk, venting is important, and while we are all here probably for a mixture of mahogany, maple, and hum buckers, i stay for the people i've come to care a lot about

keep your head up friend

--Dylan
 

Skintaster

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This seems like an awful lot for any family to deal with. I hope everything works out for the best.
 

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