Best wife joke ever?

boney bones lee

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Heard this today and almost fell over twice.

Detectives show up at a guy's home and tell him...

"We have bad and good news about your missing wife"

"The bad news is that we located her at the bottom of the bay"

"The good news is that she had three ten pound lobsters and a dozen blue crabs latched onto her" :laugh2:

The guy asks to see the body to identify her and is told...

"Not right now,Sir, they're waiting until later this afternoon to pull her up again" :laugh2::laugh2:
 

sk8rat

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Cockney Man 1: My wife is going on holiday.
Cockney Man 2: D'yer make 'er? ["Jamaica," but pronounced quickly so that it sounds just like "Did you make her?"]
Cockney Man 1: No, she's going on her own accord.

the joke behind "d'yer mak'er"
 

Sp8ctre

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Not a joke but one of my favorite sayings by Curly Howard...

"Are you married or happy?"
 

chasenblues

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Cockney Man 1: My wife is going on holiday.
Cockney Man 2: D'yer make 'er? ["Jamaica," but pronounced quickly so that it sounds just like "Did you make her?"]
Cockney Man 1: No, she's going on her own accord.

the joke behind "d'yer mak'er"
 

kevinpaul

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I heard a version of the first joke but no crabs, they found a million dollar Pearl in that same place. They asked the husband what should they do? He said give me the pearl and reset the trap.
 

WaywerdSon

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Me and the wife are riding in the back of a cab, she looks at me and says "Honey, I wanna make love"
I said, "what, with him here?"
She says, "Yeah, you drive"
 

RichBrew

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Cockney Man 1: My wife is going on holiday.
Cockney Man 2: D'yer make 'er? ["Jamaica," but pronounced quickly so that it sounds just like "Did you make her?"]
Cockney Man 1: No, she's going on her own accord.

the joke behind "d'yer mak'er"
The old music hall joke should start: "My wife is going to the West Indies", to which the stooge replies: "Jamaica?..."

RichBrew
 

Brazilnut

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A couple is watching a man at the disco palace, moonwalking, backflips, putting on quite a show. The woman says, "He proposed to me 25 years ago. I turned him down."

The guy says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
 

rockstar232007

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Two men are sitting at a bar, one of them says "I didn't have sex with my wife before marriage, did you?". The other guy says, "I don't know, what is her name?".
 

NRBQ

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I tell ya my wife is dumb, why it takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ZOc2I-Kbfk[/ame]

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUnlMULbFUQ[/ame]
 

NRBQ

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years, then we met.

-------------------------------------------------------

First Guy: (Proudly) My wife's and Angel.

Second Guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.


------------------------------------------------------------

Last night my wife and I had a fight. She asked me what was on the TV, I said dust.



----------------------------------------------------------------


Thoughts on marriage: I never knew what happiness was till I got married. By then it was too late.


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Bonus:

What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
 

THDNUT

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A couple is watching a man at the disco palace, moonwalking, backflips, putting on quite a show. The woman says, "He proposed to me 25 years ago. I turned him down."

The guy says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."
Ba Dum Tish!

:lol:


 

Malikon

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Farmer walks into the bedroom of his sleeping wife with a pig under his arm,...

"This is the Cow I've been f**king." he says,...waking her up...

"You dumb idiot,..that's not a Cow it's a Pig!"
she says

"I WAS TALKING TO THE PIG!" he responds
 

CosmicCowboy

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My wife and I have been married 10 years. It feels like 10 minutes. Under water.

-------------------------------------------------

My wife asked if I would ever get remarried if something happened to her. I said "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."
 

Olds442

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My gal wanted a new watch for Christmas.

I asked if the clock on the stove was broken.

My ex wife asked me if her jeans made her ass look fat.

I said no, your fat ass does, the jeans are doing their best to cover it up.

Both true stories, I'm quite the catch.
 

BrianB

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Woman was in court charged with killing her husband with his guitar collection.

The Judge looks down from the bench and asks, "First time offender?"

She replied, "No, first I hit him with the Gibson, then the Fender."
 




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