Bad day for me.

TheX

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Wow, WTH? I have 4 sons, and have been through child support many times. Dads get screwed, and a lot of times there is nothing we can do about it but fight it in court. I hope it gets sorted soon.
 

Bytor1958

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Sorry to hear. It has to be tough. I didn't have to deal with issues like this.

I have known some that have. Some moms can be brutal. I'm sure some dads can be too.

It sucks for kids that get caught up in the perinatal BS.
 

Uncle Vinnie

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Your wife is violating a court order, that makes her in contempt of court and subject to jail. Have your barrister immediately file a motion and order to show cause your wife and let her explain to the judge why he should lock her in the Tower of London.

Not as bad a day as you think. Take solace that she's done something very stupid (violating a court order) and she'll have to stand tall for it. Worry not and let your barrister do his job.
 

strat1701

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The lesson here. Don’t get married.:oops:
this. And no spawn no kids either....then there is nothing any woman, no matter how good the tang is can take you to the cleaners for
 

Oldskoolrob

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With respect to getting the boys in blue to visit; True and I had thought of that. I don't think it's necessary just yet - she's crazy but she loves that kid and I seriously doubt she'd hurt him. Alienate him to me yes, hurt him no.

I'm lodging the paperwork tomorrow to start the process of getting her before a magistrate.
 

mtgguitar

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The mistake I most regret during my divorce was that I was too nice to my ex. She did everything she could to cost me time and money. She was a narcissistic, passive-aggressive bitch.

If you have the resources (£ €), start pushing back with force, cost her money, time and contentment. Do this at every opportunity, by land, sea, and air. Do it calmly with persistence. :mad2:

Read The Art of War by Sun Tzu.
Take time off work and sleep less so you have more time to grind her down.
Have a friend walk by her house 17 times a day with a bowler and a briefcase.
 

05jrock

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Going through something similar involving my 3 year old daughter. Haven't been denied access yet but dealing with the ex is a complete nightmare.
I wish you and your kids all the best in this mate
 

Oldskoolrob

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So I finally got to talk to my kid, and there are no insurmountable problems here that stop him coming back. He just doesn't want to. The problem is he's taking his mothers kool-aid. I gave them a very generous offer and it's been declined. I feel like he's throwing away my entire side of the family, and it hurts.

His brothers have pretty much written him off and don't even want to see him now. I'm not giving into her, but at the same time I really feel like I'm fighting a losing battle for someone that doesn't even want to be around me or my family.

I'm just venting as there's no one I can talk to about it here without skin in the game. Everyone here has been hurt in some way by the little tyke and I feel I'm alone in wanting him back, which is also terrible. His brothers here seem happier without him and the place is less stressful....but he's my boy. It's terrible feeling so torn between what I want, what's good for some of the kids, what's good for the one that's run off, what's legal and what's possible. It's really bringing me down. On top of that the court has rejected hearing my claims regarding her contravening the orders until we've had mediation....which is in 3 to 6 months. He'll be well indoctrinated by then. I can't see a winning end to this battle, but to give up is letting them win and I'll be f^&*ed if I'm doing that. This sux.
 

spoony

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Divorce sucks and sorry to hear this. If it's any consolation what so ever they say "time heals". Hope it resolves quickly!

s
 

Torren61

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Sorry for you. I went through a couple of divorces with sons involved. It was torture. I can relate to how you must be feeling. I'm sure it's hard on you. It's hard on your boys, too. Tread carefully and with purpose. Please try to remember that in a mud slinging fight, the innocent bystanders get mud on them too so try to keep it as surgical as you can. I wish you all the best.

For the rest of you, a word of caution. Divorce and Child Support Land is no fun. If you can possibly work things out in your marriage, do that. The courts generally do not care about fathers. They don't care how much money you have left over from your check after paying alimony and child support. They don't care that the money you earned last year was a lot of overtime and those projects are now completed. They think if you made that much last year, you can do it again this year. Good attorneys are rare and most are simply looking to separate you from your money. The more desperate you are, the more they see dollar signs. They offer no guarantees on being able to make progress and they will get continuances because they make more money that way.
 
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Oldskoolrob

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That's on of the frustrating things. We don't fling mud in front of the children, and we always support the kids in respecting her etc. While she obviously isn't being as 'adult' which means we lose. Again.
 

Pop1655

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Nothing pretty about the short term, but my guess is he'll cycle back around. I've seen this happen a few times. The koolaid wears off. It's easy for me to tell you to have patience, I'm not a player. I think your move is to not blow it up in a way that will allienate him and be there for him when he's ready. He'll see the light.
 

rogue3

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That's on of the frustrating things. We don't fling mud in front of the children, and we always support the kids in respecting her etc. While she obviously isn't being as 'adult' which means we lose. Again.
just my take here:
i always took the high road(i believe i got that advice right here on mlp :wave:).She still takes the low road, when it suits her. I've told my girls time and again,you have one mother in life,she maybe crazy as batshit,but you only get one.

I don't believe in waging a tug-of-war over the kids.they are always the losers, in my opinion.I know psych. says equal split for their health,and that may be the standard legal solution.But in my opinion,different situations demand different solutions.One size does not fit all.
You have to listen to them,the situation,and at the same time not drive the she-wolf mad as apples.My girls were fine with their mom.They bonded as sisters, in a way,that made them close as can be.Sisters.They leaned on each other,and drew strength from the situation in that closeness.

I saw them 3 times a week,till they grew up.We stayed close. I made all the trips.all on me.Till i just physically couldn't do it anymore.But it was enough.They had sleepovers at my place,when they said they wanted to. Nothing forced.
I am closer to them than ever before.Thankyou cell phone texting.Almost daily back then.Today,i can turn my cellphone off, with no worries.It nearly drove me to high anxiety back in the day.

Today,the oldest(20) simply said, "no fucking way i'm going to live with that crazy bitch" So she has moved on with her life,in another city.I see her whenever she comes to town, or when i go to visit.She is in university,working and meeting all of life's challenges that get thrown at her.
The youngest (17),announced she is coming to spend time with Dad this weekend.I'm cooking a feast.I always cooked some extravagant tasty food.Home cooking.Food is important. Deep psychological impact on their brains.It worked,we always had great times together over food. Even when i went to see them,3X a week,eating out was on the menu.

My stock answer today to my daughters is my door is open 24/7 to both of you,no guilt,no strings attached.Just ring the bell.
Even better if you can give me 2 hours notice.;)

...every situation has to find its own unique solution.Lawyers are good when you need protection,but they only follow the law,which as we have all seen,is all to often flawed when it comes to dealing with the kids. One step,one day at a time.It gets better as they get older,for me anyway.

my advice? Tread carefully.Do not go ape-shit on the lawyer thing. Listen to your kids needs, they supersede ours,till they grow up.Every kid grows up at a different age. Just listen to your kids,and you'll know when that is.
 
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Caretaker

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Just a thought here.
And know going in that I am in NO WAY defending her.
But maybe there is something going on with him(in an emotional sense).
Maybe he needs to talk to someone?
Since the other kids are kind of blocking him out maybe she is not responsible entirely(although she is certainly taking advantage of the situation).
All I`m saying is lots of kids have issues we are not always aware of and they will only talk about it with someone not involved.
Maybe suggest this to her for the sake of the child before it gets to the point where the thought of acting out, possibly hurting someone or himself manifests itself.
No mother can ignore you asking that.
Maybe also indicate to the court that you fear there may be something underlying having nothing to do with the mother or you that needs to be addressed.
Please don`t take offense at any of my comments.
Just a set of outside eyes making an observation based on what I`ve read.
Best of luck.
 

Marshall & Moonshine

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Sorry, man. Just make sure that he knows your door is always open to him and that you'd love to have a relationship.
After that, it's probably just a waiting game.
He's just a kid. Don't hold it against him. He'll come around eventually.
Boys need loving fathers.
 

Howard2k

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So I finally got to talk to my kid, and there are no insurmountable problems here that stop him coming back. He just doesn't want to. The problem is he's taking his mothers kool-aid. I gave them a very generous offer and it's been declined. I feel like he's throwing away my entire side of the family, and it hurts.

His brothers have pretty much written him off and don't even want to see him now. I'm not giving into her, but at the same time I really feel like I'm fighting a losing battle for someone that doesn't even want to be around me or my family.

I'm just venting as there's no one I can talk to about it here without skin in the game. Everyone here has been hurt in some way by the little tyke and I feel I'm alone in wanting him back, which is also terrible. His brothers here seem happier without him and the place is less stressful....but he's my boy. It's terrible feeling so torn between what I want, what's good for some of the kids, what's good for the one that's run off, what's legal and what's possible. It's really bringing me down. On top of that the court has rejected hearing my claims regarding her contravening the orders until we've had mediation....which is in 3 to 6 months. He'll be well indoctrinated by then. I can't see a winning end to this battle, but to give up is letting them win and I'll be f^&*ed if I'm doing that. This sux.
This situation is tough enough for you as an adult. It’s tougher for him as a less experienced and less mature human. My daughter decided she didn’t want to see me at one point and that really hurt a great deal, despite the signs of programming from her mother. I felt betrayed, to an extent.

To be totally honest though, I think it may have been in some way beneficial to both of us too, to some degree, despite the hurt. Not that I didn’t value time with her before, but I think I value it more now. And I think she does too. I gave her some time and when she wanted to get back in touch it wasn't a case of “but...”. It was just “Yes”. Knowing what little I know about your situation, I would say that if it doesn’t hurt there is something wrong with you, and at the same time, be prepared to park that shit and leave doors open and bridges un-burned.
 

rogue3

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jme,part 2 @ oldskoolrob

Well, my daughter (17 yrs)came over yesterday.She was highly motivated and early! We had a great afternoon and evening shooting the breeze,talking issues,eating great food(treats and roast chicken) with a bottle of white wine. Watched a movie.She is a Halo expert,so The Original '87 Predator was the movie...she has never seen and was thoroughly entertained by it...!
I presented her with my entire collection of vintage Queen albums(she is a major queen fan right now)...including 3 prisitine rare bootleg pressings,1975).It was time.She was ecstatic and blown away! almost in tears.
It is all about giving and sharing.And timing is everything.

Keep the waters steady.Navigate the shoals,you are in them now.When you get past this,there will be even more greater moments of close bonding ahead with your boy.no fear,move forward.ignore the instigator.Your boy will judge her and you,ultimately. My daughter has and she thinks the world of me.Sleeping upstairs right now,breakfast feast coming! father/daughter bonding.:wave:
 
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Olds442

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he's 14 years old, i agree with what @Pop1655 posted and I'm currently experiencing what @rogue3 posted.

my divorce was in 2003, my kids were young. she played a lot of games with visitation, vacations, always taking them on my holiday time, fucking my family over etc. that was then,

now in 2020, my eldest son will never move back in with my ex after he finishes his masters at VT, and has held to that since he moved out as a freshmen in college. my youngest, now graduated with his bachelors, lives with me.

she's gone through her third divorce now (i was her first) and is looking for number 4.

play the long game, stay respectable no matter what, they will always be your main priority in life. just let them know that and give them whatever space they need. they come around as they grow.
 

Sct13

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During my relatively peaceful divorce ….the child involved was my daughter. She still had two more years of High school and wanted to live with me....so she did...but when the bad grades, not getting up, missing the bus, and social issues...(like hanging out with a questionable crowd)….I had to put down the hammer. Well she didn't "like" that and started pleading with her mom to "come home" My ex provided a back door, by allowing her full reign, to do whatever she pleased.....I was a raving madman over it....And pretty much showed her the door.

She finished high school but she did it online ….but has no aspirations of going to further her education. Our relationship suffered but I have since put all of that behind, I try to encourage her in different ways. She has two beautiful kids (she just gave birth the my grandson in January....and they were over for dinner yesterday...

The thing to watch out for here is parental manipulation....she manipulated her mom to get out of getting up and going to school....
 




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