and i can't say i told you so... because that's just being a dick.

Brians Evil Twin

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You're an idiot.

(Sorry, but you asked.)

Seriously, the way I see it (based on the limited info provided) is that your relationship with this divorced mother of two dumbasses is just collateral damage.

Cut your losses ASAP.
 

freebyrd 69

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Olds....this one is right up my alley.

I was with my wife for 10 years, married for 3 of those 10. When we met, her daughter was just turning 4. She was a fairly well behaved child, but, same as you're observing, ZERO consequences for ANYTHING.

The bigger the kid, the bigger the problem, as you are experiencing now. Every time something bigger happened, I would let her know she was not helping her daughter by teaching her there are no consequences for her actions, and she would be very sorry later on for this.

In order, roughly....back talk, laziness, disrespect, inappropriate use of the internet, lying, stealing, weed. I'll stop there, because when her daughter turned 14, we got divorced.

Many of her daughter's (Paige) actions were blamed on me, about how I was an a-hole for trying to bring in SOME kind of discipline, and the reason she was acting so is that she couldn't stand me (the daughter that is).

Fast forward a little over a year later after our divorce to now. Obviously, she doesn't have me to blame anymore. Paige is now cutting herself, skipping school, getting drunk, continuing to smoke pot, telling her mom to Fvck off, punching holes in the wall where my ex is renting, etc..

Olds, get out dude. The ground rules were established long ago in your situation. You will not.....you CANNOT win. Here is another point.....even IF she agreed that now, you need to step in, or she would follow your advice, IT IS TOO LATE. These kids are WAY too old now, my friend. You cannot un-create a monster. That's what I mean when I say you cannot win. Even if you win, you lose.

I loved my ex so much. I tried EVERYTHING to keep our marriage together. She was screwing around on me, and was dead set on a divorce. Once she left, and her daughter was out of my house, my life became SO much more peaceful and easy. So will yours.
 

hecube

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I like these threads, and not just in a gratuitous way. I was in a no-win relationship too, with GF and stepson.

I find these threads entertaining because YOU know what you have to do and WE are rooting for you!
 

Olds442

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What is your relationship to the 2 sons.

it's good i think. i've taught them how to change the oil in their cars, do brake jobs etc. but they're pretty much in their rooms all the time, which is pretty normal for their ages.

as much as i've asked her, and them, they won't do squat around the house. dishes? laundry? maybe if you beg, and i'm not the begging type.

their dad is still near and tries to be in their life, but they don't want anything to do with him. 1 - he's a tool. 2 - he's more interested in his mail order bride from the philippines. it's a ridiculous story in and of itself with an ending yet to play out, and won't end well i'm fairly sure.
 

Kamen_Kaiju

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Olds you're cool people you know what time it is.

Sounds like it's too late to fix what's broken.

The time to teach that stuff is when the kids are like....7.

If you're a f**k up in your 20's with no boundaries the only way to learn is the hard way.

And you can't teach The Hard Way,..life teaches that lesson.


Sorry about your situation, sounds sh*tty. Rock and a hard place, and getting over the hump and changing 10 years worth of habits would be difficult.

Probably be happier in the long run though.
 

Bytor1958

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Some things can't be fix no matter what. I kinda know where you're coming from. My 2nd was that way. All about her and her kids. But her kids loved me more than she did. After awhile mine became a problem because she was so selfish. When I got custody of my daughter the marriage was over. It became fact she was all about her and that was it. You see the writing on the wall. Run away run away...
 

barricwiley

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Olds, I wasted over 20 years in a miserable relationship (married) and felt like a doomed prisoner for half of those years (a honorable man just sticks it out - right?). I finally grasped that I did not, could not, face the rest of my life without happiness or at least the chance of it. My life was at stake.
I put on my desperation long pants and told her I was leaving the next day. Of course she did not believe me until a friend backed up to the house with the pickup. It was a most terrible 2 years before a divorce was settled.

Please don't let this be you, Please don't.
I believe we were put on this earth with the intentions of living happy lives.
You will NOT get a second go at it.
I have been married now for 22 years to my second wife and I have truly lived a blessed 2nd half and thoroughly appreciate it.

Sorry for the long story but it pains me to hear your unhappiness.
 

Olds442

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i appreciate the kind words guys! i truly do.

it probably is too late to make any kind of impact on the kids, that's probably just dreaming on my part.

all good info. have a great weekend!
 

Tvan

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I feel your pain. Been there done that.

Three kids in total with two being ours. Being a step parent is a thankless task. Don't even get me going on the money that was spent behind my back. Fn bill collectors starting to call because our bills not getting paid. Turned out our money was going towards paying his rent, groceries, utilities and who knows what I still don't know about. Back then I put an end to that s:&/ immediately.

My step son now being 28. The oldest of the three. He and I get along fairly well now but getting from point A to point B was a ______ _____r.

Now that he has kids of his own. Think the last harsh words I said was I totally expect him to put a roof over my grandkids head and get f&[email protected] out of her parents basement.

Fast forwarding to today. As far as discipline goes with the grand kids I notice he acts a lot more like me rather than his mother. By no means would I describe it as being perfect. But it can get better.
 

KP11520

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Bottom line..... SHE is quite broken and they are the product of that lifestyle.

In therapy, they say both in a relationship are usually equally broken. Most of the time, except in different ways. Why else would you two still be together, just as broken, after 10 years?

There's really only two choices.

RUN!

or

Both go get TOP professional help together with the same amount of commitment you've given being broken (or more). If either side refuses, time to pull the plug. You can't clap with one hand.... NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER!!!

When you are alone and single, continue to work on yourself so you don't become a repeat offender. Your radar will automatically pick out that 1 in 100 at a party with the same issues. You will find each other, like autopilot. So you can start this crap all over again! I don't think so. Homey don't plat dat!

Psychology, when done right, works. Give yourself a better chance at a better life! Trust me.... I'm still struggling with it too! :shock:

The best luck is hard work! :cool: And seeing the real situation with unadulterated clarity. Then have your head and heart on the same page. Integrated. And never use society as a yard stick.It's more broken than us!
 

Bigfoot410

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7tEeUn2.jpg
 

ZWILDZR1

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Who does it? Many kids today that's who. My youngest son for one. Not that he doesn't know better cause he does. They simply choose to make bad decisions. He got stopped for a minor thing and the officer found his bowl on him plus a baggie with the remains of some weed. So he ends up with a DUI.

I have told both my sons about driving with contraband in their vehicles and being a young person today. The police know that many young people are doing various drugs today and that during a typical traffic stop they might find something in the way of drugs or alcohol.

Yes it's a bitch being young today. I can remember when I was first driving. Got stopped by a state trooper doing over 80 mph in a 55 zone on the Baltimore Beltway around 10:00 pm. He never asked me to search my car. Just asked where I was headed. My car was registered in my Dad's name. I had a 77 Trans Am and he asked me if it was my brothers car.

Other than that no questions about was I carrying any drugs or alcohol. The year was 1982 and I was 18. Things sure have changed since then. I told my sons if they are going to smoke pot or drink do it at home. You may think I am caving in. They simply would go do these things somewhere else not so safe. I am not kidding myself thinking if I told them they weren't to smoke pot they would stop. They are over 18 and it's there choice.

But I do understand your frustration. My ex wife was a real pushover especially with our youngest son. He played her like a cheap Squier Stratocaster. Things got so bad at one point she went to court to get his fines from not going to school put in his name so she wouldn't end up going to jail.

He ended up dropping out. Since then he has gotten his GED and is working full time and now doing college on line. I am proud of how he decided to make changes in his life. We can only try to direct them and council them. But in the end it's up to them. It's not easy being a parent. Making decisions that could effect how they become adults is a big responsibility. And the lack of participation by any parent for any reason is a hard thing to watch let alone be involved in. Stay tough and hang in there. Those kids are lucky to have someone who cares enough to speak out.
 

rockinlespaul

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You're an idiot.

(Sorry, but you asked.)

Seriously, the way I see it (based on the limited info provided) is that your relationship with this divorced mother of two dumbasses is just collateral damage.

Cut your losses ASAP.

Yep. He IS a idiot, because he won't listen to this.

Some people enjoy trainwreck relationships.
 

Deus Vult

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Not your kids? Not married?

See ya later!

And I lol at shacking up with a divorcee. Why take sloppy seconds with a person someone else already had and unloaded? Lolz

I Keed I Keed .




Sort of.
 

Kamen_Kaiju

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I've heard that complaint before. Why take a woman that's been married and has kids by some other dude?

She's already done the marriage thing
She's already done the kids thing

There's no real 'new experiences' to be had as a couple. All the life milestones she's already done.

So if you have a kid with her and it's your First Kid it's going to be very special TO YOU,...she's already been there done that bought the T-Shirt.

Guys are 'entitled' to first time experiences too. We're not backup plans to pick up the pieces and be a paycheck to her failed decisions and a surrogate father to their brood.


....is at least the complaints I've heard.

Guys want romance and first time experiences too. Why would you consciously pick a Women who's already done it all?

You'll never share those experiences together, really. She's done.

You'll always be second fiddle to HER kids anyway.

Just seems like a losing proposition.

Like buying a racehorse whose racing days are over. Why do it?
 

SteveGangi

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Not your kids? Not married?

See ya later!

And I lol at shacking up with a divorcee. Why take sloppy seconds with a person someone else already had and unloaded? Lolz

I Keed I Keed .




Sort of.
Someone else's damaged goods. It's cold and harsh, but what isn't?
 

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