An interpretive guide to used vehicle classifieds


Jun 26, 2010
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(Just thought you guy's might get a kick out of this too)

Comprehensive Interpretive Guide to Used Car Classifieds

0 miles on restoration - Couldn’t get the car to start.
29 coats of hand rubbed paint - Needed that much to cover the rust.
5 speed - Top speed of 5 mph.
95% Complete - Can’t find the other 5%.
95% Complete - Everything except the engine.
98% complete - The average car has 10,000 pieces; this means only 200 are missing.
A real screamer - You need to bounce it off the redline to do 50 mph.
Air Conditioned - Broken windshield.
Alarm - What you’ll experience when you discover that the brakes don’t work.
Always garaged - The local garage made a fortune on this car; we had it there every week.
Always starts - But has no brakes, so you can’t drive it anywhere.
Bargain - What you’ll need to do with the mechanic.
Big block - The car is currently sitting on four of these in my backyard.
Burglar alarm - What the thief will experience when he realizes what a piece of junk he has stolen.
Call for Price - Sucker!
CD - Creaking Differential.
Celebrity owned - Everybody is a star.
Classic - Old.
Clean - It sat in the rain yesterday
Collector’s car - Collector of dust. What it will be doing while sitting broken down in you garage.
Compact Disc - Small brakes.
Dream Car - Like in a nightmare.
Drive anywhere - Preferably out of state so we won’t have to look at it anymore.
Drive it home - Be sure to bring a cell phone and your AAA membership card when you pick this one up.
Drives great - Makes a grating noise while driving.
Easy restoration - Parts will come off in your hands.
Excellent example - Of what NOT to do when you’re restoring a car.
Female owner - Clutch is ****ed.
Forced sale - Owner is prepared to use force to make you buy it.
Formerly owned by Elvis - One of just 473 cars owned by The King and, like 470 of.
Frame-off Restoration - The body actually rusted right off the frame.
Fully equipped - And all of the accessories need to be fixed.
Good investment opportunity - For someone else.
Hurry, won’t last - Even now, Mother Nature has already begun the process of recycling this car.
Illness Forces Sale - The owner is sick of neighbors complaining.
Impress all your friends - Your neighbors will all hate you when you unload this car next to the house, but your friends will be impressed with how brave you are for doing it.
Just aligned - But it won’t stay aligned with those worn out front suspension parts.
Less than 500 miles on restoration - Keeps breaking down, just like before the restoration.
Listing this for a friend - Because the friend was too embarrassed to do it himself.
Lively handler - Car won’t travel in a straight line.
Looks Like New - … in the photo!
Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.
Low miles - It’s been at the mechanic’s most of its life.
Lowered - Worn out suspension.
Make an offer - I’ll take anything, just get the thing away from me.
Many new parts - I’m sick of dumping money into this broken down heap.
Many spare parts - You’ll need them!
Many spare parts - I pulled the car apart to fix it and had some pieces left over.
May run - But never has.
Mechanical restoration complete - We painted the engine.
Must Sell Due to Move - More precisely, due to lack of move.
Must sell - There isn’t enough money in the world to fix this thing.
My loss is your gain - New owner will feel the same way after 6 months of ownership.
Near Mint - Owner lives near place where money is printed.
Needs front end alignment - Some serious frame straightening wouldn’t hurt either.
Needs interior - Seats are gone.
Needs nothing - I like it the way it is, but of course I am easily pleased.
Needs nothing - New owner however, will need deep pockets or a high credit limit.
Needs work - You just don’t want to know how much.
Never driven at night - Lights don’t work either.
Never driven in rain - Refuses to run in damp weather and the wipers don’t work.
Never smoked in - Unless you count that electrical short back in 1978 that melted the instrument panel.
New car cover - Neighbors complained about looking at it parked next to the house.
New shocks - What you’ll get every time you drive it.
No disappointments - Once you hand me the cash, I promise I won’t be disappointed.
No expense spared - This money-pit took all I had to keep it going.
No visible rust - It’s there, but you just won’t see it.
Nothing more to spend - What you’ll have left after getting it fixed.
Older restoration - Can’t tell it’s been restored.
Once in a lifetime deal - You’ll never be ripped off this badly again.
Only 26,000 careful miles - The other 100,000 not so careful.
Or best offer - Seller just wants it to go away.
Original - It’s really that old.
Owned by same family since new - Now everyone in the family knows about the car and doesn’t want it, so we’re hoping to dump it on some poor dolt who isn’t a relative.
Parts car - Beyond repair, too bad to lie about.
Prize winner - Hard luck trophy 3 times in a row.
Project Car - I can’t figure out how to finish it, and I doubt you will either.
Racing pedigree - Thrashed.
Rapidly Appreciating - You will quickly appreciate that you paid too much for this car.
Rare color combination - Original owner had no taste.
Rare model - Nobody liked them when new, either.
Ready to restore - Can’t get much worse, so there’s only one way to go.
Religiously maintained - Prayed for it to keep running.
Rust Free - No additional charge for the rust.
Safe car - Car had seatbelts.
Solid as a Rock - Rusted solid.
Solid - Just try moving it.
Some rust - Iron oxide lovers dream.
Stunning finish - You’ll be stunned too when you see all the rust.
Sunroof - Hole in roof that leaks incessantly.
Sure prize winner - If they ever start judging at night.
Third owner - To see the light and get rid of this piece of junk.
Too many projects - City has ordered me to get rid of all my junk cars.
Totally original - Never washed, waxed, tuned up or maintained in any way.
Towable - So is the Queen Mary.
Unable to finish - Took every extra dollar that I had..
Very rare - This refers to the car getting you where you want to go.
Very rare - This refers to the car starting.
Zero Miles Since Overhaul - All that money and work, and it still won’t run.


"Obvious BS Artist"
V.I.P. Member
Oct 11, 2009
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What about T-Tops?


ignoramus maximus emeritus
Dec 31, 2010
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:laugh2::laugh2: :applause:

Good Show, Daniel....

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