27 year old son , no job for 7 months now, hardly leaves his room playing video games

guitar_randy

Senior Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2008
Messages
3,020
Reaction score
1,387
My son lost 2 jobs in the last couple years. He is 27 years old. Living in our house with mybwife and I . He hardly leaves his bedroom. He plays video games in there for hours. Sometimes doesnt go to bed until 8 or 10 in the morning, sleeps until 6-7 pm, then works out in basement , eats and goes back to room playing video games. I feel terrible. I don't get it. Why would he not want to get out and get a job or do anything? Why is online interaction enough? I try talking to him about it all and he just says he doesnt know what he wants to do. This is not what I want for him. It is not what me or my wife want to see daily in our house. We have no privacy. We are worried about him and why he is living like this and why he is satisfied living this way and doesnt want ir attempt to get more out of his life.
What would you do?
I feel terrible but am dumbfounded at why he is doing this or how I can help.
 

rockstar232007

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
17,461
Reaction score
15,218
Kick him out.

My FIL is going through pretty much the same thing with 3 out of his 5 kids (26-29). The only difference is, they actually have jobs, but contribute absolutely 0 to the houshold.

All I can say is, they're going to be learning some hard lessons, when life really kicks them in the ass.
 

LtDave32

Desert Star Guitars
Super Mod
Silver Supporting Member
Gold Supporting Member
V.I.P. Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2010
Messages
45,210
Reaction score
149,715
As long as he can, he will.

Well over time to leave the nest.

One cannot spend all day and most of the night playing video games when one has to earn rent , get some sleep for work the next day.

He's taking advantage.
 

guitar_randy

Senior Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2008
Messages
3,020
Reaction score
1,387
As long as he can, he will.

Well over time to leave the nest.

One cannot spend all day and most of the night playing video games when one has to earn rent , get some sleep for work the next day.

He's taking advantage.
Yes.
But he is paying us rent. Not getting free ride. He has money saved from when he did work, and now got 2 stimulus checks. Eventually he will run low on money but he is just foolishly letting all he had saved run out little at a time and making zero effort to get back on the horse.
I dont get it. Is it a millenial thing, a video game addiction thing, some other mental issue thing with jobs anor people.
I dont know ehat to do to help hom see the light or how to help.
 

rockstar232007

Senior Member
Joined
Jun 28, 2008
Messages
17,461
Reaction score
15,218
Yes.
But he is paying us rent. Not getting free ride. He has money saved from when he did work, and now got 2 stimulus checks. Eventually he will run low on money but he is just foolishly letting all he had saved run out little at a time and making zero effort to get back on the horse.
I dont get it. Is it a millenial thing, a video game addiction thing, some other mental issue thing with jobs anor people.
I dont know ehat to do to help hom see the light or how to help.
Two words, "safety net".
 

guitar_randy

Senior Member
Joined
Jul 20, 2008
Messages
3,020
Reaction score
1,387
I guess its hard to tell if he is being a lazy bum taking advantage or if he has some legit mental handicap thing that is over my head to understand.
I mean, he doesnt really hang out or socialize with any real people , only online . I myself dont look at online interaction as the same as real in person interaction. To me it seems like millenials , or many of them seem to have difficulty functioning in real life situations, like jobs and such. I think many are f'ed up from online virtual reality which is actually far from reality and are mentally handicapped in real life scenarios.
I am seeing this with alot of millenials that get hired where I work. Its sad actually.
If I knew my son was just using us due to laziness I could get tougher on him, but I cant tell if he is doing that or if he has mental or social issues making him this way.
 

LtDave32

Desert Star Guitars
Super Mod
Silver Supporting Member
Gold Supporting Member
V.I.P. Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2010
Messages
45,210
Reaction score
149,715
Yes.
But he is paying us rent. Not getting free ride. He has money saved from when he did work, and now got 2 stimulus checks. Eventually he will run low on money but he is just foolishly letting all he had saved run out little at a time and making zero effort to get back on the horse.
I dont get it. Is it a millenial thing, a video game addiction thing, some other mental issue thing with jobs anor people.
I dont know ehat to do to help hom see the light or how to help.

It goes beyond paying rent. By allowing him to stay and pay rent, you are enabling him to keep on doing what he is doing.

Young people think they are ten foot tall and immortal. They have no idea what life is like out of the nest until they struggle to make it out of the nest.

And the amount of rent the two stimulus checks can provide are a drop in the bucket out there.

Rent

Bills

Grocery

Insurance

Fuel


I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Trouble is, you have to work up the strength to send him on his way. Letting him go on like this is hurting him.

He will be pissed for certain. But then he will come around to see that you were right and he needed the push.

And he'll thank you for it. They all come around in a few years.
 

Torshalla

Senior Member
Joined
Mar 27, 2013
Messages
306
Reaction score
518
Maybe an option can be enforcement of strict rules instead of kicking him out... must get up by x am, must help with house chores (lowers rent in exchange) - can be cooking / shopping / cleaning / fixing things, must have breakfast and dinner together as a family...
Mandatory job search or education 2 hours per day. Then rest is up to him.
Would help set some frame / bounderies for him.
If he does not comply he is welcome to find another home.

Would be good to understand the root cause though... is he just being lazy? Or is he depressed? Does he feel he is a loser for having lost 2 jobs? Maybe he needs to rebuild some confidence and feels that this online world is more understanding of him?
What does he like in real life? Music? Cars? Girls? Guitars? Sports? Fishing? Maybe try and take him to something he enjoys... get drunk with him and get him to speak up about what he d like, what he hates / hurts him...
 

Duane_the_tub

V.I.P. Member
Joined
May 30, 2015
Messages
3,740
Reaction score
7,693
I guess its hard to tell if he is being a lazy bum taking advantage or if he has some legit mental handicap thing that is over my head to understand.
I mean, he doesnt really hang out or socialize with any real people , only online . I myself dont look at online interaction as the same as real in person interaction. To me it seems like millenials , or many of them seem to have difficulty functioning in real life situations, like jobs and such. I think many are f'ed up from online virtual reality which is actually far from reality and are mentally handicapped in real life scenarios.
I am seeing this with alot of millenials that get hired where I work. Its sad actually.
If I knew my son was just using us due to laziness I could get tougher on him, but I cant tell if he is doing that or if he has mental or social issues making him this way.
I was going to ask if he might be suffering from depression. Lost his job, no real social interaction, living at home with his parents. I know it's an easy take to say he's a deadbeat, he's taking advantage of you, etc., but a more important question might be: Is HE happy or content with the situation. He might need help more than tough love at this point.
 

drmmrr55

Senior Member
Joined
Jan 18, 2017
Messages
309
Reaction score
486
I stayed at home till I was 20 yrs old. My Dad reluctantly kicked me out, and though it was a damn hard adjustment, (I was also unemployed at the time), it was the best thing he could have done for me! Figuring out how you are going to survive is a pretty good incentive to get yourself out of that rut. (been there)
 

jvin248

Senior Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2015
Messages
582
Reaction score
676
.

Depression is high in his age bracket for a variety of reasons.

Most of the world is under lock down conditions, (in many instances 'staying home' is the best tool for public health)
Jobs are scarce
Media is a dumpster fire and super toxic to men (some bounce back with red pill, mgtow, etc and others use suicide at an alarming rate for men)
Dating apps make meeting people a lot different than yesteryear, and just 10% of men are getting all the action since all the women are swiping on what makes up 10% of the demographics (seeking six foot, built, and money)
Student loans are higher than for any prior demographic

I'd only institute "regular hours", not kicking out -- because you are not getting regular sleep either. It's easy to tell others to kick kids out. I know others who did that and the kids got into drugs and deeper depression because not only did the world hate them but their parents seemed to as well. Look at the research for 'blue light' and sleep cycles and change bulbs in the bedroom/late-night areas to a more orange spectrum and get off computers/phones/televisions.

Take the kid on walks, like a 6/7am routine to fix sleep cycles, and talk about what they are going through -- or just talk.
Most kids want to get out of their parents place, but surprisingly often don't know how.

.
 

GearHo

Senior Member
Joined
Sep 3, 2007
Messages
1,313
Reaction score
3,344
Lets review.

you tell your wife you were looking for help with this situation online.
so, you went to your favorite guitar forum and asked for parenting advice
and lo and behold, several of your friends on the forum suggested kicking your son out to teach him some tough love.

and now all his problems are solved.

most of us dont know shit about guitars, let alone what to do with a complex situation like this.

Talk to him, that is the first and best option, don’t listen to others about your family.
 

Fiat Lux

Senior Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2012
Messages
8,214
Reaction score
18,051
Turn off the WiFi from 8.00pm until 8.00am.

If he has depression or any other mental illness or challenges, he is not going to find any answers on gaming websites.

Set some practical expectations in relation to his involvement in family life while he is under your roof.

Support him to be productive.

I agreee its easier to tell other people to kick their children out. My mother was an amazing woman (bless her soul) and she was dead against ever telling her children they didn’t always have a home to come back to. Having said that, she made damn sure that every one of us (large family) knew our obligations and responsibilities, and her expectations. Not one of us ever lingered at home too long, and none of us were pushed out.

cheers
 

AwfulQuiet

Senior Member
Joined
Oct 17, 2010
Messages
410
Reaction score
328
Lets review.

you tell your wife you were looking for help with this situation online.
so, you went to your favorite guitar forum and asked for parenting advice
and lo and behold, several of your friends on the forum suggested kicking your son out to teach him some tough love.

and now all his problems are solved.

most of us dont know shit about guitars, let alone what to do with a complex situation like this.

Talk to him, that is the first and best option, don’t listen to others about your family.
This. I am appalled at some of the responses on here. Not everyone reacts to "tough love" in the same way. Their is a chance those solutions could help, or make things even worse.

If you can't get get your son to open up, it might be he doesn't want to talk to you (no offense meant, but family members tend to dismiss , make light of or even make fun of the personal problems of other member of the family, something they might see as torture, rather then a release).

It may be wiser to seek some sort of counseling (with a professional, not on here).

The young today are living their own personal hell, jobs are scarce (and he already lost two recently), the media says the future will be dark (we're all going to burn up due to global warming), social media means no one talks to anyone anymore, so what's the point of doing anything? What's the goal? Why should they if the result will be nothing? To have a family? Have you looked at the dating scene?

If you look at it from that standpoint, it's understandable if a young person internalises this and suffers from depression. Just be careful that you catch it before it leads them to do irrational things, if you catch my meaning.

Aside from the professional help, my only recommendation is that you try to get a copy of Jordan Peterson's book 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. You read it first, then if you think he could benefit from it, offer it to him. But offer it, don't force it.
 

JTM45

Gold Supporting Member
Joined
Jan 23, 2009
Messages
12,047
Reaction score
24,736
You need to talk to him and let him know there’s a deadline to all of this, you and your wife want your privacy back, your space back, and it’s time for him to go pave a path of his own.

What’s happening is not helping him
 
Joined
Feb 9, 2021
Messages
88
Reaction score
151
the jobs he had before what were they? what did he like or dislike about those jobs and what luxuries is he now missing because of the income loss?

for example if this was a guy who woke up at 5am every day, got in his truck and went to build houses all day and then all of a sudden he’s let go twice and becomes a hermit in his room with his gaming that’s a complete 180. or was this job a desk job on a computer where he cruised facebook on the clock? i think you can figure out the proper response to what he’s doing by evaluating how his life was before the job loss and how much it’s changed.

is it also possible he had a girlfriend you didn’t know about and she dumped him recently?
 


Latest Threads



Top