jokes & funnies.

What did the leper say to the hooker?

"That's OK, keep the tip."

The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn't good & I wasn't old.

(Hijacked from flakebook)

My neighbor Dave has been driving me absolutely nuts for the past five years. This guy genuinely believes the government is hiding aliens, chemtrails are poisoning us all, and every weird noise at night is definitely a UFO landing. He's constantly posting blurry photos of "suspicious aircraft" on the neighborhood app and cornering people to talk about his latest conspiracy theories.

Now look, I'm not saying he's wrong (or right) about any of it, but he won't stop harassing everyone about it. You can't check your mail without getting a twenty-minute lecture about government cover-ups.

So when my old trampoline broke and I needed to build a new chicken coop, inspiration struck. I had those two old satellite dishes sitting in my garage, and suddenly I knew exactly what I was going to do.

Took me about three weekends to get it all assembled and painted. I even added some LED lights underneath for the full effect. I shared the progress in a DIY group on the Tedooo app (where I also got lots of helpful tips with this one!) and everyone was cracking up at my plan.

The first night I turned on those green lights, Dave came running over so fast I thought he was going to have a heart attack. Started yelling about how he knew "they" would finally make contact in our neighborhood. It took everything I had not to burst out laughing.

Now he sits on his porch every evening with binoculars, "monitoring the situation." He's convinced my chickens are part of some alien experiment. Last week he asked if I'd noticed any unusual behavior from them since the "landing."

Sometimes the best revenge is just giving people exactly what they're looking for.

Tone deaf said:

But who is going to pick our crops?

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Because it's been too long since the last peasant revolt.

Ain't it the truth!